I like the words garrulous and loquacious better for describing my mood, but imood didn't have them. Not even discursive or rhetorical!!!!!!!!! Not even rhetorical...argh... If you ask me, that is just plain stupid. I need to go request those words for moods.
Anyway
I have such nice, caring, supportive, understanding friends!!!!! Awh...I was going to cry... So nice to me. I almost broke my messenger fast already just because I felt I was needed. But I rethought, and the truth is, I need my time. I am tired of setting my own problems aside so I can go be rational and level headed (*wink*) and fun for people. I don't want to burden them either, but the place I am in now just demands me some personal space to sort myself out. I need just a little focus on certain areas of my life. I also need to strengthen my self will and self restraints. By "fasting" from messenger for a month I think I could gain some more. I also think I have a bit of an addiction and I need to break the habits. I'd like to just say, "OH! Good mood! Let's jump on messenger and chat the day away or sit languidly and tap our feet and wait impatiently for so and so to get on!" I just think I am chatting too much lately. I am getting too complusive and addicted to it. I need more of a balance with outside activities.
My chats aren't really doing much for my self confidence either. Meh. I have been feeling a bit worthless and normal and doltish. It's been that way for about a week now and it isn't getting any better. I actually have a document where I collect the nice things people say about me now and then *blushes* and I try to use that as a little pick me up confidence booster when I am unhappy like this. It helps. A lot. I just read some parts now and awh... It touches my heart! I feel terribly self centered to do that but I just plain need it sometimes. Then my confidence melts away so quickly. Its pretty bad this time around and I know I need a different way of fixing this. I need to find more solid ground. Stop measuring myself up against everyone else.
*sigh*
I have been through all this before. But it always comes back. Meh. I wish it wouldn't.
Let's turn this entry in other directions now.
We shall start with the beginning of the day. Right before I woke up, I had a dream that I was at Disneyland (this is like, the third Disneyland dream I have had in the past 3 months) and my grandparents had purchased tickets for Disneyland but only a couple and they were only for one person to ride each ride at once. So we were over at a ride which was supposed to be the Matterhorn, and there were seperate loading areas. The correct amount of seats would swing around to your loading area and it would be there for...15 seconds and then it would jolt away to the rest of the cars and the roller coaster would go. So one seat came over to our loading area but no one was around to go and only one person could go anyway and I didn't want to go by myself so the seat came and went. I realized we had just wasted a ticket so I went climbing through the tunnel of the Matterhorn to get to my seat. The tunnel was so tiny. I don't pretend to be able to explain how it could be so small and still hold those cars. So I climbed around following it and I was hating it. I am very very claustrophobic (not just in my dream, but in reality I am, obviously this slips into my subconsious) and climbing around in such a small tunnel was extremely terrifying. The tunnel was also going downwards at an alarming rate and I am also terrified of heights. Double counts. I finally climbed to an area that had a chain for the roller coaster and I realized that I just could not fit in the hole beside the chain and should climb up and out while I still could. I turned to climb out and found two elderly ladies (with badly colored hair...very red...eew) peering down through the hole above me trying to see their grandchildren and I was blocking their view. That was my only way out and it was blocked. I decided I would have to climb back down the tunnel but I wasn't sure how far I would be able to make it without falling and getting killed. Right about then I woke up. Ugh. What a terrible dream. I still remember that tiny, twisting, turning tunnel. It was so awful. I was so afraid. I was almost crying. I wish my dreams wouldn't try and play off my phobias like that. I sure hope I don't have a dream about telephones tonight...
I got up and shook off the dream and jumped out of bed and decided that today was the day for unveiling the secret project!!!!!! It was a valentine for my closest friends!!!!! I think it turned out well. I hope that everyone liked it. I sent that out and configured my email address book (since I haven't had one because I am usually always on messenger thus having all my email addresses handy, OR the people themselves handy) and then went and ate breakfast. I had half a chocolate muffin and enjoyed it thoroughly enough. I spent most of breakfast and the following 15 minutes helping my mother sort through the emails for all the orders she has been placing online and then directing email contact to my email. She really just needs her own hotmail account and I'd get her one but I don't think she cares for one. Mine works for her *rolls eyes*. But see, what if she sees a diaryland email? Or what if she sees an email from one of my other online friends? Or what if she sees an email from the messageboards I have joined? Truth is, my parents don't know I joined any messageboards and they don't know that I talk to people I met on the boards on messenger and through email. I think I might possibly be able to join messageboards as long as I don't display contact information or give out a lot of personal information, but I am very very skeptical as to whether my parents would actually let me talk to anyone off the boards. I don't want to find out just yet...because I'd be inclined to say that I would be bidding msnmessenger farewell...Actually, I think my dad might go for it. Mom though. Meh. =_= She won't let me walk to the mailbox by myself because she is so afraid of rapists and kidnappers. She is extremely, extremely paranoid. I don't think she would even agree to messageboards. She would conjure up all kinds of very worst case scenarios. Extremely far out there worst of the worst of the worst.
Oh, and obviously my parents don't know about my diary either. Never. Never ever. My sister knows about it but thats cool. She calls it dairyland and complains at me for taking so long to write entries. And I quote "Nobody likes your writing that much. Everybody thinks, 'I can never read everything Megan writes in one sitting.'" Well ok then sister dear. *rolls eyes* She just has a short attention span. She doesn't care a whit for my diary. She has never read my online diary, and I offered her my offline journal once, but I related that. She heartily refused because she knew that it would bore her. Ha! She isn't a reliable source for opinions on such things. I just laugh at her and tease a little and brush it off. All in good fun.
Anyway, after helping my mother, the day went on rather uneventfully until construction paper and craft buckets were found. My mother summoned us and we set to work making valentines for my dad! Since he was at work, he was the only one who wouldn't see or know about them. Thus they are for him.
I don't know quite what to make of the one I made... I cut out a red heart, then (with a little help from my mom XP) I threaded white ribbon through the heart. I made little pink wings and glued them to the heart. I outlined wings on them with silver puff paint then added some more across the ribbons. Kind of like staples...meh...just a little industrial. Then I cut a small heart shape out of the middle of the heart. Thus there was a hole. I took the heart I had just cut out and cut it zig zagged down the center as though it were broken. I then printed out a little couple doll I made yesterday and glued it behind the heart shaped hole. Then I took the heart halves and glued them part way over the picture. I outlined the jagged edge of those hearts in red. Like blood. Then I smudged red paint all over the heart. Like blood. Ta da! Of course I didn't explain this to my mother. She couldn't tell though. She just thought it was cute! BWAHAHAHAHAHA. Oi. I was suprised. I even made bold red drippies coming from the jagged edges of the heart to emphazise the bloody look. She couldn't seem to tell though. Hers looked better than mine. XP But thats ok. Mine is weirder. Can't wait to give dad his valentine tomorrow. Hehe...*devious look*
We cleaned up after that and the day continued. I did clean the bathrooms! Ugh. I hate cleaning the bathrooms.
I also dolled. I am working on three right now. Amending a couple doll, then I have a shoulders and arms up doll whom will be angel-ish with glorious off white/gold wings and chocolate brown hair, and then I have a doll laying flat on her back whom will have a glorious head of purple hair. I felt like doing some amazing hair so that base won out. I almost started another doll because I found a base that I REALLY liked and that was giving me a lot of ideas, but I decided that I had better finish at least two of the dolls I am already working on.
My to do list is getting long. It has been long though! I need to take this messenger fast month and get some of those things done. I wanted to add a special column displaying my to do list in my diary, but that isn't going to work in this layout. I desperately needs a new one but there isn't a good one out there for me. They are all the wrong colors, or too small, or poorly coded, or just not right for my diary. That is buggy. So I really really need to get cracking on my template. I think I have FINALLY made a FINAL final decision on template layout. I changed my mind about theme again. I was originally going to quote a Yeats quote but found this and liked it better...
Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all
~Emily Dickinson
I have an idea for a large complicated collage of images for this. Oh how I love Adobe Photoshop and layers! <3 Not exactly sure of colors yet. I like dark, rich colors best. But I think maybe for my writing, pastels are better? Input is welcome of course. Color suggestions perhaps? I might still use that other Yeats quote though...Quoted at the beginning of this entry. I still like that. Hmm...decisions decisions...
Ha! I forgot to relate! The other night when we went to Wal Mart I was making eyes at one of the employees... Or at least, trying to. He was stocking the freezer. He looked to be around my age and he had very nice hair. I tried to look at him without my dad noticing and caught the boy's eye briefly, twice. I was surprised at my boldness, but there was some distance (about half an aisle) between us and both glances were very very fleeting. But I did get him to look at me. Twice. I think the second time I might have been able to hold his gaze longer but dad was walking on and I had to also. Couldn't just stand there staring penetratingly at an unknown boy. That wouldn't do. Well not with my dad at least.
My my what shall we do with me...Making eyes at young random boys (with good hair) in grocery stores... Not to mention that it was about 11:00pm...maybe that explains my bold, uncharacteristic behavior...
OH OH OH! Friday five!!!!!!!!!!! Late but thats ok...
1. Are you superstitious?
No, Not a bit
2. What extremes have you heard of someone going to in the name of superstition?
Hmmm...I have heard some crazy stuff, but all that really stick out in my mind at the moment, is hotel floor numberings. 13 is almost always skipped when the hotels are large enough. This is, I suppose, common knowledge, but I just think its a little extreme... People are crazy.
3. Believer or not, what's your favorite superstition?
Oh the aforementioned hotel floor numbering superstition of course. It just kills me. So funny! The floor is still the 13th even if you call it the 14th...
4. Do you believe in luck? If yes, do you have a lucky number/article of clothing/ritual?
Nope. I don't believe in luck. And, I have never found any article that I possessed to bring me any sort of luck. Ridiculous. Pish Posh
5. Do you believe in astrology? Why or why not?
No. I will be blunt, I think its a lot of bull.
Alright wowzers...oh me oh my but it's getting late. 3:48am at the moment. Yipes. I suppose that means I am done for the night. I don't think I was, but I suppose I have to be... I am very tired and my eyes hurt...can't be ruining them of course... ;)
*bing...lightbulb...idea....*
I ruin my eyes and I won't be able to use them for discreet flirting with boys with good heads of hair at grocery stores and anywhere else I happen to meet them! That simply won't do. I need to go sleep...NOW!