I forgot to inform everyone of the quote I chose for my layout.
I chose this one
We make out of the quarrel with others, rhetoric, but of the quarrel with ourselves, poetry. Unlike the rhetoricians, who get a confident voice from remembering the crowd they have won or may win, we sing amid our uncertainty.
And this is, in fact, from William Butler Yeats. A great poet, but not one a mind (such as my own) susceptible to the mysteries, intricacies, and beckonings of the occult; should read before bed.
My parents and two of my siblings have been out all day shopping and I didn't go. They shall be home soon and I shall be needed but I had to sneak in an entry.
I learned long ago, that when certain feelings overtake me, if I wish to write them, I am to write them immediatly or I will never be able to capture them and convey them properly again. I have had such happen before. I have promised rants and descriptions of certain things but never gave them because I had the thoughts only at that time, and then my mind carefully cataloged them away to be kept until I face a challenge that renders the knowledge necessary. Diary writing is not necessary and my mind will not recall anything in detail simply to put it to paper for the benefit of inflating my ego.
I digress though. I did not intend to come and explain why I come right away to explain things. I came to talk of the freedom I feel.
I love when I have these feelings. Joy and peace and freedom overwhelm. I am surprised each day, that the monotony of my life and the closeness of my quarters never stifle me. I do have a fear of monotony but it doesn't seem to destroy me in the least. In fact, I hardly ever think of it. Rather, the peace and joy I feel overwhelm and flood me through and let me transcend the ordinary and feel that I live in the extraordinary.
I long so much to be a part of the world at which I gaze into. I hardly even stand on the threshold. I see it from afar and it is glorious and it is my goal. Every day I wish more and more that I could be a part of it, but as I close my eyes to sigh, I do just a little bit of inward looking and realize how unworthy I am of the goal I seek. Now is the time to prepare myself for the day I might join it. Now is the time to reach out to others that they may glimpse what I see and perhaps long for it too.
I do not wish to go now...there was once a time when I did. When I would get weary and tired and wish I could leave this world for the other right away. I do still get weary and I do wish I could leave, but each day I continue to be here, I know there is a purpose for me to serve still else I would be allowed to depart. It appeases me. As it surely does.
I only wish I could be freed from the chains and bonds which wrap. I am the one unwilling to let them be broken from me. There is bitterness and fear lurking, but it just doesn't weigh me down as it used to. It gnaws at my mind ever so little. Reminding me of my humaness and my unworthiness. One day I shall work myself to the point where I can be rid of these chains. One day I shall, I am determined. And when I am free of the bitterness and the fear, who knows what I may do or who I may become. Surely I will not care. I do not really care now. This is not about me being able to become greater really. It is about God being able to be glorified and reflected more by my own emptiness...