2004-02-13
Addled and Cynical Angsty Confusion At Its Worst

hearing: Silence...only broken by the tapping of the keyboard and the noise of my cats eating and drinking. Silence is much needed right now. Music would only confuse me further
reading: Lilith by George MacDonald and A Swiftly Tilting Planet by Madeline L'Engle
wearing: A hair towel and pjs

Today was nothing spectacular. It never is. A few more misfortunes. Dad killed my favorites on accident (second time in a week), got a new dvd rom drive but the cd to install it is bent so it can't be installed until we get a new one, internet connections wasn't working all last night and this morning. But it's no big. I thought I should mention that. I said that the last three days have been crummy and it wasn't fair. My point being that there has been a ridiculous string of misfortunes and things breaking and getting ruined and being downright annoying lately. I don't see why it all happened so close together and why it chose such a bad time of the month to do it. I just don't think it seems quite fair. Ahh well, it's no big, and my mood has been ok most of the time. So I don't try to whine and complain about things. I just remark and sigh and go back to humming a little ditty.

As I was upstairs getting something to drink, I noticed how many dishes we had that needed to go into the dishwasher. I peeked into the dishwasher to find it pretty full and all the dishes in it were dirty. I should have done something about it, because my dad is working tomorrow and I will have to do something about it in the morning anyway. Argh. Ugh. Dishes just seem to have become my special duty and chore. Never delegated, I just take care of them often enough that everyone is used to me doing it. But I don't really mind it...I don't want to gripe. It needs to get done. I'll do it.

I didn't even want to write all that. I just felt obligated to give this entry an upside. A somewhat positive outlook because I am struggling for one right now... All that is in me in drama and angst.

Let the senseless angstfest begin.

One of my friends (also a reader) asked me today if I was "about to self destruct". Being in a good mood at the time I reflected and decided that I wasn't and told him so. Going back over everything now, and how I am feeling at the moment, I almost could. I really almost could.

I am just so confused and angry with myself. I don't know why I act the way I do. All the drama. I have been a perfect drama queen today. I was acting so immature. Let's flounce off messenger in a flat emotionless way as though I were a mess of tears and depression. I don't even know why I did that. I don't know what's wrong. I don't know what my problem is. I just plain do not know.

Of course, after I came off messenger what floated and bounced around through my head? Oh more drama.

Thus she ran from all that supervened,
With guilt and gun and teddy bear.

Those two lines from my Infant Homicides poem just spun around in my head over and over (btw Supervened is my fancy way to say Happened or more accurately, Occured). I was thinking of all the bitterness I held inside from so much and how I had fashioned my gun and loaded it and administered my bullet holes. The subject that poem was speaking on and the one at hand are rather different though. I found the only parallels in the situation that sparked the poem and the situation I am in now is the ability to relate it to me wielding a figurative gun loaded with bitterness and I am wildly shooting it at whomever I wish and harming them. This time I am though, so to speak, "drunk". Metaphor being to my confusion. In the circumstance that stirred the other poem, I was completly right minded and "sober".

Thus here I am. Wondering when I am going to end up turning this figurative gun on myself. Somehow, I don't think I see it happening any time soon. But I know that it will happen one day, and when it does, it will be the breaking of the gun, as well as of the me that wields it. Although since its such a long way off I don't know why I wonder about it. It doesn't even pertain to the situation at hand.

I sort of look on this humourously and sarcastically and cynically and bitterly now. Pffft...please. I am just injecting more drama and angst into the situation. Trying to make it horrible and ominous of course. And we really can't forget romantic. Lets put on those dark bitter shades and view the world from a piteous martyr complex. Oh woe...Woe is me!

While I was in the shower I scratched venomously at my thighs with my razor. With the safety cover on. My legs tingled in anticipation though. Somehow I wanted the pain. WHY THOUGH? I just don't know why. I am not depressed. I am unhappy with myself though. And terribly confused.

Confusion. It's all I feel. He wants to talk about it. He is beating himself up over this. He is so worried. And all I do is trot around and block him. Why do I have him blocked? Why won't I talk to him? I just don't know. There really isn't anything to talk about. I can't seem to find a problem anymore. So why am I avoiding him? Why am I running? Why am I avoiding? This really has absoluetly nothing at all in the world to do with him. So I should think I could go tell him that I am fine. That nothing is wrong.

I am so confused. About so much. My head is spinning. Spinning and spinning. It's so addled. Everything is all wrong. This entry is wrong. My emotions are wrong. My actions are wrong. I am wrong. I am just all wrong.

I don't want to write this. Something more coherent...something more enjoyable to read...something...something...anything...wrong ... they are all better than me... I am a bad self... the angst the angst... no more self centeredness... focus on other people... other people... don't treat them this way... don't do this... don't...

I am seriously considering taking a long break from my computer. Its been in consideration a lot lately. I don't want to end any friendships and it isn't anyone's fault. I just think I might need a break to pull myself together. I would probably still come to write here, but I just don't think I can handle anything else for awhile. I don't know. We shall see. If I disappear, then I have given my reason. I am just in such a state of confusion, I am feeling such a mess, and I am having near an identity crisis. That's what it is I think. Why I am so confused. I am having some sort of jolting identity crisis. And I need some time apart to sort things out. To sort out myself.

To back me up on this one, the trusty dictionary definition...

i�dent�i�ty cri�sis

A psychosocial state or condition of disorientation and role confusion occurring especially in adolescents as a result of conflicting internal and external experiences, pressures, and expectations and often producing acute anxiety.

Exactly. I really feel as though I lost my identity. I had it and I had a firm grip on it. Or so I thought. I mean I was so seriously sure. I felt positive that if I were questioned, I could give an account of my identity without needing my own name. Now maybe, I think I might have lost hold of myself. If I was even holding on in the first place...

< bitter mocking cynicality >Woe. Woe is me.< /bitter mocking cynicality >

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