Music: I was listening to Sarah Kelly- Take Me Away but now I am not...I have a line from Relient K's Hoopes I Did It Again stuck in my head..."Cause we always say in Canton, You can't enjoy (Canton joy) yourself..."
To reiterate, I am troubled...partly for my sister...I am worried that perhaps all isn't right as rain with her...I was afraid she was rather depressed and I have been a bit concerned about how her relationship might be with God...I finally tried to talk to her about it last night...she sat and listened to me but she really had nothing to say to me about it...I told her some things about my feelings...such as the depression I have been through and my suicidal thoughts during the extremest times...she just gave me a look of mingled astonishment, interest, and TMI TMI TMI...I also offered her that which should be desirable to everyone's younger siblings...I wanted to let her read my offline journal so that she had insight into my world and thoughts...so that she knew that I understood and that she could come to me to talk about things. Yet she declined the offer. She said it would surely bore her. I was not going to force her to read it, I did offer twice more but she was extremely adamant about not wanting to read it...it was not out of politeness...simply out of complete disinterest in the whole thing...I was also going to offer her my online diary to read but I can see already that she does not care a whit for it. I did decide to consider her through the light of my experiences at 14...I was almost 15 when we moved...I don't remember having all that much depression back then...I don't remember such harsh feelings kicking in until I was nigher to being 16 so I suppose I can handle better her lack of seriousness...I believe she may truely be as happy as she portrays herself to be...she did confess a bit of depression at being so bored and never having anything to do. I can sympathize with that but I have made it my resolution to remedy my attacks of boredom best I can...I do...I am still somewhat bored, but not idle...she is closer to being totally idle...there is a difference...I almost always occupy my hands and the surface of my mind, yet it does not go deep enough to chase away my boredom...although sometimes I am successful, such as when I am dolling or reading a particularly good book or one I haven't read before. Then I am far from being bored. So my thoughts are somewhat eased towards my sister's condition, yet I still fear she was holding something back. At the very least though, I have done what I can for her...I will pray though...I can do nothing more. Perhaps if she is hiding something, my lectures to her last night will stir something within her...perhaps crack a wall she might have up...but I don't know for sure...I might just be paranoid and pessimistic, as I often am.
One other thing that troubles me is the state of affairs of he whom I talked of in my last entry. As far as I can tell, he doesn't read my diary. But yesterday we did talk. He lost (by lost I mean by death) his fourth friend within the course of five months. It is really devastating to him, especially because he is not Christain. He professes to believe in God and in Jesus, but not to have a relationship with Jesus. When I one day quoted lyrics from the Jars Of Clay song, Love Song For A Savior, he was extremely puzzeled, bewildered and found it a but humourous that one would feel that way towards Jesus. God is simply a cosmic santa to him. Which means he is rather unsettled about the loss of all these friends. He asked me how God could let this happen and I gave him the best answer I could. I shall quote it here because I do not know if I said as I should, and all that I should have said. It is tough to comfort someone who believes as he does...
Here is what I told him, "oh...well i couldnt tell you exactly why God lets these things happen...but they have to because the world isnt perfect...God made it so but Adam and Eve screwed that up when they ate the fruit...God didnt want us to be mindless puppets so He did not intervene and force things to be perfect again...i dont know why but it is what He did...so bad things happen but good will always come of them...we dont have to live in this world of bad things forever...one day we get to move on to a perfect eternity...if it werent for the bad things that happen, life would not be as full as it is...its horrible and not even God enjoys seeing us suffer but it is how things have to be...He can help you get through this time of grief if you let Him..."
It was the best answer I knew to give...and I know considering his state of spirtual affairs, he is probably not on the path to heaven and a perfect eternity, but when a person is grieving as he is, it is not the time to tell him that he is probably going to hell in a handbasket...it isn't my place to make those decisions or tell people such as that...I can only explain the Gospel to him and let the Lord work as He will in my friend and see whither he will understand and see the err of his ways...
My friend did thank me for my spiel...I am not sure if he truely appreciated it or found it comforting...but at the least, he was polite enough to thank me. Hopefully his grief will not consume him...he is in that school of thought where he believes he should not cry and refuses to...I did not want to get into that issue with him... He would far rather write poetry to express his feelings than to cry about them. Which is fine with me. I should ask him to show me some of what he produces during this period of grief. I should very much like to see it...
What else than to say...I finished The Abolition Of Man and have begun Nicholas Nickleby. So far, I am enjoying it very much and find that the recent movie adaptation effort was a very good one...the version with Nathan Lane and Anne Hathaway...(among others, all of whom I am unable to recollect this moment)...I enjoyed the movie very much and was anxious to read the book to see how much better the book may be and how well they adapted such a long book into a rather short movie...again, I will reiterate that so far, I think they have done a tremendous adaptation job...my opinion may change by the time I am finished with the book, but then again, I might simply have that opinion strengthened. We shall see. In any case, the movie is no substitute for skipping out on reading the book. It is simply an excellent supplement to reading the book...
My father arrived home yesterday. But his check didn't. He was vastly disappointed and now rather worried...we shall be in rather dire straits if the check doesn't arrive on Monday. It was supposed to come on Saturday...hopefully the mail is just slow...I pray...
Neither is my father in a good mood...I could tell...he is not all right, but it is not my place to talk with him...I think he was just exhausted from the trip and worried about the money situation...I do not know for sure...
I suppose there is little else for me to say...yesterday consisted in the normal...I cannot, for the life of me, think of what word I want...all that comes to me is "occupiments" and that is not a word!!!...tasks of life...I shuffled around, I ate, I played on my computer, I read, I held imaginary conversations and real ones...(which reminds me of a mortifying prank played on me including a microphone, my unsuspecting nature, and a secret msn audio conversation, I hope I did not make too much of a fool of myself yet I fear that I did)...I read, I watched Trading Spaces...(I believe Hildi persists in these outrageous wall treatments to get the show ratings...I knew I would not miss out on the superglueing of feathers to the wall or the cardboard room...I am not saying she does not have other motives, just that the aforementioned is one of the prime motives, ONE OF...not the one and only highest...)... and my sister and I talked, played games on msnm and watched a couple Homestar Runner cartoons before retiring to bed. I was literally, falling asleep where I stood. And those were the events of yesterday. Today's have included a lengthy session with my cd's, breakfast, the comics, Nicholas Nickelby, reflection, and this journal entry (not necessarily in that order).
Do you not love the grammatical rules and applications I have given my ellipses? I am following my very own created system for them... just to annoy everyone... ;P Not really...I simply seem to have an addiction to the over useage of ellipses...I do not care to change my ways...this is not a grammar paper to be graded for school...if it was, I would eliminate everyone one of my beloved ellipses. The case being that it isn't, they shall stay. I believe my grammar and style of writing is just clear enough that I need not fix the abundant ellipses. Enjoy them.
Bwwahaha...now I am feeling rather eloquent...I blame my current eloquence and that of this entry, (if it was, in fact, eloquent) on Nicholas Nickleby. Reading books will usually put me in just such a mood. Perhaps tomorrow, I will work on my grammar...what an interesting thought...I really should....just for the sake of staying coherent...
I am now done for the day. Enjoy the entry. There may or may not be another entry later today. It will depend on whether I have collected enough new material to write about...
Quote, another from C.S. Lewis's The Abolition Of Man
"If nothing is self evident, nothing can be proved. Similarly, if nothing is obligatory for its own sake, nothing is obligatory at all." C.S. Lewis The Abolition of Man
Under a Lavender Moon,
Megan