On the subject of last night...
I've been going through a lot of stress and worry lately. Yet, I finally see that there is a break in the clouds. Relief from it is in sight. Things were finally being set in motion for me to have methods of transporation, occupations, so much. It was finally all coming through.
But did that make me happy? The restoration of hope for the future should make me happy, right?
Wrong. It didn't.
All I could see, was a future of futility, vain grasping, and mediocrity. The never ending circles of life lay before me, to torture me. Living and struggling and loving and learning and working and playing and...there was no sheen in anything. I had no love or desire for the world and what it could bring me, what it would bring me.
So then the rational thing to do, all that is left for me when the world is nothing but bleak and inglorious, running itself into the groud, is to turn my eyes on that bright shining light of heaven. To turn to God and rest in Him and let Him show me where I was to go, and what I was to do for Him, and live only for Him, to fulfill His will. It was the only thing left that shone a light in my life, that brought me indescribable beauty. And it was all I wanted.
There was a stumbling block in my path though. One that has been there many years. Pride. Pride and fear. Which closed me up. Which built my masks and turned me away from all. And everytime I turned to God, and eagerly asked Him what He would have me do, most especially for the improvement of myself to become a more fit vessel of His, he would point to the thing I dreaded most.
That of opening up. Of laying things bare. I would sooner die, than admit every twinkle and shade of my soul. I would sooner die then release up my pride and my fear. I was choosing my own will, instead of God's, and putting a sundering wall between us. He would not have it, but it was would I would have.
I wanted to avoid the issue, I had done so many many times in the past, but finally, it came to the point, where that was all I had left. Do or die. So I was stuck.
I was like the fig tree, in last night's parable. Rotting, in the ground. Producing no fruit. I could not produce any. I adamantly refused to do the one thing I needed to do to further myself spiritually. And so, my time was dwindling. It was do or die.
And I knew that. Just a little. I tottered on the edge of it. But I was just too afraid.
The night before last, I promised God that I would do it. I had my will bent, but I would do it in the morning.
In the morning, my resolution was gone. The bracelet was still there, but I knew I had broken my promise. The bracelet might as well have fallen off also.
I wanted it as a reminder of Him for my days as I travelled through. Right there...but if it was only the symbol of a broken promise...
But then, last night, Cyrik wrote me an email. Not only am I indebted to him, but God, for I believe He spurred the words within Cyrik (I always was indebted to God anyway). And that email, beginning with such a fateful line,
I write this email, but it's not one of encouragement. You've had far enough of that, I think by this point and time you've had far too much. I'm not quite sure what I'm going to say, but I know that I should start saying it
And he said it. Every word I needed to hear. How he knew from so little that I had said of this to him, how he knew exactly what to say....that, that was divine intervention. Because I just don't think it was humanly possible for words to come out so accurately corresponding to a situation hardly spoken of of late.
But it was the last push I needed. Somehow, it was everything I already knew, but everything I still needed to hear.
I broke my pride, and took a step which I cannot retrace. I took a step forward, in the correct direction. It isn't over yet, and it's going to be a long, hard journey, but the important thing is, I took that first step. And I cannot turn back now. I can only move forward.
I feel so light. The burden is lifted. The final shackle I saw has been unchained. There may be more yet, but for now, I feel free. Free as the bird as it soars through the sky.
There is fear still of all which must fall out next, but even greater, is the eagerness of having an unhindered relationship with my Lord again. Of finally being able to shoot forward in so many areas with Him, and explore territory which I have been unable to scope with my shackle and chain still dragging behind me.
I am free.
I am finally free.