The busiest times, when one has gleaned the most from the day to write about, are those times when slivers of moments cannot be bought to give accurate descriptions of the complicated revolvings and intimacy of events and human emotion.
A couple weeks ago, I mentioned something about my beloved male cat passing on from this world to the next. If there be a next for animals. We have another cat, and she has been in high cycles of grief over this loss, and has been very audibly lonely. She makes sure that we know that.
The plan has been, to buy her a new companion. Another kitten. But shortness of money, and absence of proper offer, has kept us from fulfilling this plan.
Until tonight.
Yes, finally, after such a long wait, we have bought a tiny kitten.
It happens to be a male, my little Corin Aglovaile.
I cradle this new, energetic, frightened bundle of life in my arms. He mews and squirms and clings out with his paws and turns his large yellow-y green eyes up to stare at me eagerly. Those piteous, scared eyes peering out of a face of white and brown patched and striped and spotted fur.
The little darling stirs all the warm, motherly feelings in my breast. He moves me to tears. I want only to cradle and care for this small tumble of fur, to make him comfortable and happy. To love him and cherish him and...just mother him.
He is so tiny and new... His long tail flips behind and he nuzzles into the corner of my elbow and purrs so loudly. Yes he purrs, my heart warms at this wonderful sign. He is contented and purrs already. A good temper for sure. And that he could be taking to me already...
I have been such a bundle of nerves and stress and concern and fear and defiance and hatred and regret and repentance and determination and exhaustion for so long. I thought I would crash and drown in the midst. And this little kitten comes stumbling along, and it all drops like a stone. I have only to care and tend this tiny, nearly helpless little life. To love him.
He soothes my heart. He soothes my soul. He lulls me to sleep. He invites me into the peace and contentness of his own small ignorant world.
I want only to curl up in my bed and join him there. I want only to be the surrogate mother and caretaker of this funny little creature.
He makes me aware of so much more than myself. He draws my gaze outward to his tiny life. Oh I love him. Oh I love him already. He is all I feel I have needed. And to have him love me back... I will win the affection of this tiny heart in time. I will be regarded as mother. And then, this little life to love me. One whom will love me whatever the problem, one whom I will not quarrel with, one whom I must not tangle in the midst of complicated emotions and meshes of terrible fear and reluctance and distrust, one whom I must not struggle and fight to keep, one whom all the dreadful complications and politics of human emotions and relationships is free from. It has been so longed for. Oh so longed for.
Oh tiny life...oh tiny slice of ignorant bliss... you mean so much to an aching, lonely heart. You do so much for a tired, jaded soul...