I'm giving up forever a while.
I suck at life. I really suck at life.
I'm so tired of being strong. I'm tired of holding back all the excruciating pain. I'm tired of not sobbing uncontrollably at all hours of the day. I'm tired of getting up in the morning. I am especially sick and tired of being nice, kind, and understanding. I'm just tired of life and living.
I don't feel like being anything but irrational and dramatic right now. I just feel like being dead. Or killing myself.
But that's the key word here. Feel.
Feelings are so irrational and irrelevant. If I feel like being nasty, does it mean I should be nasty? No. I think we often don't feel like doing what we should do. But that doesn't mean we don't do it. In the end, I am glad I do what I didn't feel like doing in the first place. I don't regret following what I know is right rather than what I feel I want to do. And usually, when I force myself to do things I don't want to do, it helps smooth my path and quicken my pace into wanting to do those things again. That which we do not wish to do, eventually will become that which we wish to do.
But it gets really tiring. And sometimes I just don't want to do what I should anymore. But I have to anyway. And sometimes I get frustrated with not being able to do whatever the hell I feel like doing. So I tell my conscious and sense and such to screw off, and I do what I feel like. And then I regret it.
Oh man do I regret...
I'm such a dramatic idiot sometimes.
Chain me up and rip me apart cause I'd deserve it.
When will I ever learn? When will I ever learn? Others first. If everyone put others before themselves, theoretically, everyone would finally be taken care of. Because even though a person wasn't looking after themself, someone else would be. "Joy's a subtle elf, I think a man's happiest when he forgets himself"
When did I lose sight of that? Man...and this entry is just making things worse. MAN I CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT. I'm such a screw up. I suck at life.
I just dug myself into a six foot grave...