Life is very strange right now, because I spend so much of my time looking back at the past. Whether it be browsing through past diary entries, middle school yearbooks, writing journals, or simply my own memories tracing all the way back into elementary school and the streets of the neighborhood I lived in when my life began; my mind has been focused on the girl I used to be, how I used to perceive myself, and what happened to make me change into the person I am now.
There's a film reel going in my mind at all hours replaying my entire past. I see flashes. So many scenes...
Perched out on the wall facing the dropoffs at the middleschool. Wearing a short short black mini skirt and a white tshirt with "(middle school name) Leadership" emblazoned on the front in black letters, with a neat pretty green and silver swirl to adorn it. Listening to the younger leadership students converse about the friends I don't know and the parties they go to. Waiting for the bus to come and pick us up. Or maybe...no... were we waiting for the bus to drop off the fifth graders who were going to have a tour of the campus? Yes, that was it. It was the end of the school year, and when the next school year started, they were going to be sixth graders. We were introducing them to their future school. It was our job to welcome them and show them around.
We were Leadership students. We were the Elites of the school. We were the Worshipped. There were a few students in the class who faded in the eyes of the student body...some not near so "famous" on campus as the others. I was one of those... the background Leadership students. The popular girls in the class turned their nose on me. Ignored me. I was unlovely, lanky, awkward, and quiet. I had a good knot of friends though. Most people liked me immensely. I was quiet, friendly, and fairly kind. The boys never crushed on me. Never admired me, only two in the entire length of three years (a good friend and a very old friend who I think was lying about admiring me), but at least I had friends.
But that's beside the point. That sunny morning fades just as the school bus arrives.
I remember our huge but still far too small locker rooms. I remember tripping in with a note to slip myself out of seventh period P.E. to go work on something for Leadership. It was probably for a school dance. Every Leadership student was required to participate in setting up.
That memory fades quickly too though...
More and more flashes... of orchestra in the morning. I was one of the first chair violinists. There was a girl much much better than me. Heck, there was a seventh grade boy better than me. But that was ok. I wasn't jealous. I had come far and my teacher was impressed. He was convinced that I could become an amazing professional first chair violinist. He was awed of my expression and musical talent.
Heh.
But what I recall immediately, are the conversations we used to have about words generally connotated as being the same. He would lecture us in entertaining ways, of the differences between a thing being "simple" and a thing being "easy". I also remember discussions about "soft" and "quiet". He was perched on a stool. A heavy man with long blonde hair pulled back into a ponytail. He had glasses. Jeans and a black school music shirt. There were sandals on his feet. I sat in the first row of chairs. Watching him intently over my music stand. My violin cradled in my lap. The bow on the music stand. The smell of rosin wafted to my nose.
The smell of the wood...
I miss my violin so passionately. I wish so dearly that it was in playable condition.
That memory fades.
There are too many more. Mostly centered around Leadership class in my eigth grade year. Running the student store and operating the sound system at lunch for lunchtime activities...spirit week... The Valentine's Day dance when the leadership teacher got ragingly angry with me, screamed at me and I cried...
I could never say it all. It would take me too long.
But it disconnects me from reality. Sometimes I feel like I'm that Megan again. Sometimes I feel like I am living back there, in that reality. And the rest of the time I feel like I am watching all of this from a distance. I am watching my past through a telescope. I am looking down upon the present Megan from far away. Wondering at her. Wondering at how people care and admire her. Wondering how they could. And why. Examining everything. All of her emotions. All of her pains. All of her wishes. All of her longings. All of her very strange, frequent, abundant night time dreams.
And it all seems so strange. So surreal. I'm not quite anywhere. I'm not quite anything. I'm just an observer...I'm just an observer trying to objectively understand this trembling little girl. No. Little girl is wrong. But I'm not used to seeing or referring to her as anything but still.
Trembling little girl...
Who are you to them? What do they see? Can I understand it?
Should I even be trying?
A couple months ago, I played a certain lyric game. The rules were, "Put all your songs on random, then write down your favorite line from the first 10 songs that play, no matter how embarrassing it is." And I said I'd play it often, and again. I haven't played it often, but here it comes, back around again. As I promised, and as I promised someone last night in an email. Two song sets. Much better explanatory notes this time around. Enjoy.
1) Chance For The Chancers (Remix) � Poor Old Lu �right now, right away, before we get too cold� (If we get too cold, it�ll be too late. Our chance will be lost and some form of death will take us�)
2) Based On A True Story � Aaron Sprinkle �now I feel the light exposing
things I never thought I'd say� (That�s what it does. When you stop caring. You dwindle down. You get reckless and frustrated. You turn away to deteriorate into something you never wanted to be. But then Something breaks through. And shows you what you�re becoming)
3) Bands With Managers � Pedro The Lion �You don�t believe when I say it won�t be alright� (This song is about the commercialism of the music industry. So gather your conclusions further)
4) Girls On Film � Cover by Kevin Max �The diving man's coming up for air cause the crowd all love pulling dolly by the hair, by the hair
And she wonders how she ever got here as she goes under again� (I chose this line, more because of the poignant images it invokes in my mind. Whether right or wrong. I can imagine her wild eyes and the grasping, heedless crowd�)
5) Cannon-Fire Orange (original short version) � Poor Old Lu �sailing away, towards uncertainties, uncertain seas� (There really isn�t much to say. We are sailing forward into the future. Uncertainties. An uncertain sea. Very nice play on words)
6) Way Will Be Opening � Stereolab �Nothing at all can be expected
Except for the use of violence� (�Fraid so?)
7) Gentlemen � mewithoutYou �I�ll live without you love, but what good is one glove without the other?� (At first it sounds like I�m he�s resigning himself, and then�he questions� he still cares so much. He doesn�t want to resign. But� at least, sometimes, one glove can be fashionable, right? But what happens when you go out in the cold and one of your hands freezes?)
8) Speak Soft � Poor Old Lu �prison could be a nice place to live, the bars on the windows like bars on a crib, freedom is the least desired gift, to give� (It seems like such a friendly thought until you dwell in prison. Soft delusions. This song makes me cry so hard.)
9) Pale Trembles A Gale � The Autumns �my heart�s on your sleeve tonight� (I don�t think I need explain after the story the other day. The words are still echoing in his ear�)
10) Trompe Le Monde � The Pixies �we went to the store and bought something great� (Ok, ok, not a terribly profound line or anything, but there�s something about the way it�s sung and the effect on the vocals for this part, that catches my fancy immensely. Buying things. That�s what life is all about. Right? Buying very nice things?)
1) Divinity � Falling Up �My heart it hurts cause it never catches its breath� (When you run so quickly from everything else that hurts, the strain of the exercise makes it hurt even more. Always running so so quickly. Far too quickly. Trying to leave the past behind�)
2) Moon Radio � The Violet Burning �Didn�t I see the secrets in your eyes?� (You did catch me gazing? I caught what they said, right? I know what they said. Don�t try to hide it�I know�)
3) Vertigo � U2 �Girl with crimson nails Has Jesus 'round her neck� (Nailed to the cross. Hmmm.)
4) Rain � Yoko Kanno And the Seatbelts �I don't feel a thing
and I stopped remembering
The days are just like moments turned to hours� (This is apathy again. It seems like the easy way out. We block everything off. Don�t we? We all stop it up so that it won�t come back to whip us. But it slows time�)
5) Start Without Me � Pedro the Lion �It�s not like it wasn�t all for you, but like everything I do it�s misunderstood� (This song is for the husbands and fathers working so hard to provide for their family, to be rich and prestigious, supposedly for them; that they neglect their wives and children entirely. Daddy is always away. On a trip. Or at work. But notice his insistence� The summing up of the problem presented in this song. He�s deluding himself. They all are. Don�t let yourself be deluded. To be poor and loved, is better than to be rich and alone)
6) Rise � Saves The Day �When can I finally wake to the sun shining on my cheeks, and the wind sweeping me away, far from every memory from your face in the frame? That�ll be the day.� (You�re right there. All the time. I can�t erase you. You won�t go away. Or will you ever? Pah. Perhaps when pigs fly)
7) On Building � The Beautiful Mistake �I remember playing that one. It�s stuck in my head. Over and over I took and you bled.� (We run in circles all our lives. We continue doing things we shouldn�t. But we can�t get out of the cycle on our own, because we�re only human)
8) Mega Society � The Soundtrack of Our Lives �Was it really all inside your little big headed mind to make world history?� (You�re so conceited! You�ve taken all the credit for yourself! You have forgotten Who brought you here! It almost reminds one of the Isrealites�)
9) Happy House � Siouxsie and the Banshees �We�re happy here in the happy house, to forget ourselves and pretend all�s well, there is no hell.� (We put up a front. We ignore all the bad. It seems like the only way to live these days. Or maybe, the most pleasurable way to live. Abandon your conscious.)
10) Who Wrote Holden Caulfield? - Green Day �I shuffle through my mind
To see if I can find
The words I left behind
Was it just a dream that happened long ago?
Oh well...
Never mind.� (It�s on the tip of my tongue�but everything is jumbled and confused�I can�t seem to remember anything�)