2004-07-15
What A Dull Ache
hearing: Start Again - The Electric Soft Parade
reading: The Count Of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas, and Java 2 For The World Wide Web: Visual Quickstart Guide by Dori Smith
wearing: lotsa black and red.
Yesterday's orthodontist appointment was awful. I'll spare the grusome details, but I was there for three hours and they replaced my entire set of braces. For all of ten minutes yesterday, I was completely free of any metal in my mouth. It was amazing. And bizarre. I cannot wait to get these bloody braces off for good. Urgh. Ten months...just ten months. It'll go by fast...it will. It will...
But now, my teeth ache really bad. I had a tylenol and a motrin last night, and then I had another motrin this morning, but my teeth are still consumed by this unbearable dull ache. I can't close my teeth together (although I can close my mouth...no, I'm not walking around with a dropped jaw like an idiot) and I can't chew food. At all. I'm basically on a soft foods/liquid diet. Oatmeal, soup, yogurt, mashed potatos, etc. I think you get the picture. How long will the pain last? It's hard to say. I can never remember. It'll be at least a week I think. And then when I have my next appointment in six to eight weeks, they'll do more and my teeth will hurt for a week again.
Its a vicious cycle. But I am determined to be done. Gosh I hate these braces. That's the only thing I'd change about myself if I could. My bad bite. If I had been born with perfect teeth and a perfect bite, the braces would be absolutely unnecessary now.
Ah but as my mother so often says to me, "The things we must go through for beauty..."
Aside from the interesting experience of having my braces wrestled off my teeth and replaced, one of the receptionists of the office walked over to me and made a comment which has really sparked my creativity.
I have mentioned before, a certain cadet blue shirt of my brother's which I cut up so I could wear. Well I kept all the scraps of fabric. Yesterday, I took two of them, and tied them about my wrists for bracelets. I know that this scraps of fabric tied on sleeves is employed in a lot of gothic clothing, and I drew inspiration from that. I thought it was pretty cool.
So as I sit demurely in the chair during the orthodontist appointment, with my hands neatly crossed before me, the receptionist, whom is obviously quite bored, and thusly observing the patients being worked on for lack of better things to do, walks over to me. She has apparently been meditating on what she was going to say and when she was going to approach me. Her manner had that affected spontaneous, disinterest which signals a long admiration and speculation of approach. She asked me about my bracelets and whether it was the next trend. I was very alarmed at being approached like that, and stammered out that no, I had simply made them up myself. She complimented me on them again and on the boldness of trying to set a trend. She asked me if any of my friends had picked up on it, and I said no. It stung me because I have no friends to pick up on the trend. It would be a funny one to start though. Scraps of fabric tied about wrists as bracelets...
The only trouble is, it isn't particularly flattering on my ultra thin wrists. Which is really too bad. I will wear them anyway.
Prior to the last couple entries, I had been expressing a lot of emotional discomfort and searing pains. At least, vaguely I touched on them. To elaborate on current progressions, events of late, especially the braces situation, have distracted my psyche from inital troubles. I haven't really thought of or felt those problems lately. And I will not force myself to do so, simply to assure myself that I do still feel and that I can still feel so strongly. I would be forcing things.
But it does alarm me ever so slightly how smooth I am making transitions. My soul has been shot through with novacaine and I blink my eyes shut against the past and ignore it all. I have been forcefully disregarding feelings, so that I feel as though I have quickly solved everything. Its just all going to fade and die in an unromantic, untragic way. I block out everything so quickly, and forget how I felt, and then next thing I know, they will all have departed without a trace.
Such is life I suppose. Such is life.
Lastly, I found this a few weeks ago in someone else's diary, although I do not remember whose it was. Someone random I found through a review site. The diary game is, "Put all your songs on random, then write down your favorite line from the first 10 songs that play, no matter how embarrassing it is.".
I thought this would be amusing. And oh man it was. I did this four times last night. Yes, that's right, four times. It is a fantastic time waster. I seperated out 393 songs that I actually like and listen to, out of my 765 (I deleted some last night...why did I seperate out some songs? Because I didn't want to shuffle all my songs and end up having to listen to any Point Of Grace or Steven Curtis Chapman or whatever. Ugh. I need to get rid of so much crappy music on my computer...), and would do just as the directions said. And I really found it interest consuming. No I don't know quite why either. But it was still pretty darn fun. For me. But without further ado, here are the four sets of songs I did. This might become a weekly/biweekly/monthly thing. One of those. For a short while...Or maybe not. Ha.
1) Disloyalist Party � Joy Electric �misery ever after�� (short and sweet)
2) Over thinking � Relient K �cause you�re my dream please come true� (hard pressed to choose one lyric only�)
3) Show Me � Over The Rhine �I close my eyes I see your face, every inch of your skin I begin to retrace� (this is one of those instinctive ones. The way she sings it too�oooooo)
4) Beautiful World � Macrosick �the way they comb their hair makes me want to say what a wonderful place� (that always amused me to no end�the way they comb their hair�Ha!)
5) Bittersweet � Luna Halo �you�re the reason why I�d walk through fire and everything behind my dark desire� (dark desire. My favorite combination of words)
6) Overboard � Matthew �faces only hide the brooding fear� (its hard because I haven�t quite decided all of the words in this song. Sooo� I like the word brooding. A lot. So that just gave this lyric the brownie points it needed to be picked out)
7) Play The C Chord � Starflyer 59 �something�s wrong if it�s the old news, just play the C chord like its something� (�like its something new��)
8) One Girl Revolution (Battle Mix) � Superchick �I wear a disguise I�m just your average Jane� (ahhh�)
9) Thoughts of a Dying Atheist � Muse �it scares the hell out of me� (clever. Very clever.)
10) Tonight � The Benjamin Gate �I will dig my trench in hope, it won�t be my grave� (don�t care for this song terribly much)
1) Gibberish � Relient K �If I had one wish well I don�t know what I�d wish for� (I have this thing for clever lyrics)
2) Nice Hush � Macrosick (instrumental track�a hauntingly pretty one though. Points for the pretty song! And nice title.)
3) So Far � Luna Halo �Some might say they�ve found a way to heaven and celebrate their ordinary ways� (when I saw this song pop up, I was shocked. I forgot it existed)
4) Over The Rails And Hollywood High � Remy Zero �all the stars evolve but the story�s the same� (I think this lyric speaks for itself)
5) Why Do You Try So Hard To Hate Me � The Electric Soft Parade �I am bruised and I am broken and I don�t feel the hurt inside� (oooo�I love the�coldness�)
6) Under My Skin � Skillet �Could I rest in the shadow of Your face?� (this lyric is so poignant and pretty�especially with the rest of the bridge�)
7) Lord, Rescue Me � The Violet Burning �pull me from the avalanche� (desperation�)
8) We Close Our Eyes � The Violet Burning �gonna take that kiss and sigh�forever� (oh the sentiments� I am stirred�to tears�)
9) I Don�t Belong � Kevin Max �And I�m fading like ink that�s a hundred years old� (I bleed ink too)
10) Jefferson Aero Plane � Relient K �and maybe you can sympathize with the bags under my eyes� (This is on instinct. I just have some strange affinity for this lyric.
AND from the hidden track �with surround sound you�ve found you hear it all� (pick up the tiny details�)
1) Show Me Heaven � Delirious? �Its worth the wait, no it�s not too late� (I can only gesture back toward the song title)
2) Slowa � The Violet Burning �I swear I nearly drowned the night you promised me your heart� (oh steady my pounding heart)
3) Time Is Running Out � Muse �you can�t push it underground, we can�t stop it screaming out� (OW! Hot.)
4) What I�ll Remember Most � Over The Rhine �the saddest songs are the happiest, the hardest truths are the easiest� (this line always stuck out in my mind. I had read a similar statement in a book I think around the time I first heard that lyric. It resounded in my heart and mind.)
5) Fingernails � Skillet �How can I be beautiful when I am so afraid?� (We must banish the fear�)
6) Collide � Skillet �We can�t live feeling so numb� (Some do though but is it really living?)
7) Monkey � Saves The Day �just stare at the ceiling and play dead for your whole life� (this song makes me uncomfortable)
8) Tonight � Plus One �I want to kill the ghost that haunts me as I grow� (I haven�t mortally wounded him yet)
9) Last Train Home � Lost Prophets �Even when you think you�re right you have to give to take� (Youch. This lyric leapt out of the song, and apart from it and slapped me in the face. This lyric is way too good for the rest of the song. Way too true, sharp, insightful and wise for that song to handle.)
10) Over The Edge � Luna Halo �Burn burn baby with this passion!� (no shhh seriously. I belt out that lyric so loud. My sister has to hit me to get me to shut up.)
1) Lift Me Up � The Benjamin Gate �Seeing through a hole in time� (A black hole�)
2) Hero � Superchick �Fighting the lie that giving up is the way� (It�s a lie. A bold faced lie. And everytime I think it�s the way, this lyric croons softly in the back of my mind.)
3) Belong � Remy Zero �I thought we�d go on forever, I know we always belonged together, isn�t that strange? All these things I thought would never change�� (I am too busy sobbing)
4) Blackout � Muse �this love�s too good to last, and I�m too old to dream� (It never lasts does it?)
5) I�m Not Letting Go � The Violet Burning �all the stars are singin�, I�m not letting go�� (Uhm�Instinct Watson. Instinct.)
6) When You Say Love � Over The Rhine �Most everything I ever wanted, May not even have a name�� (Words are so often insufficient.)
7) The Eleventh Hour � Jars of Clay �Take the place of my heart until I become a stranger to my life� (I don�t want to be able to recognize myself anymore)
8) Anything At All � Over The Rhine �A perfect life�s an oversight, you curse me, should�ve known better than this esoteric love�� (I love the word esoteric. My word fetishes like to get in the way of this favorite lyric choosing business)
9) Touch � Delirious? �I�ve been torn again, the curtain�s been torn again�� (It speaks. Not I.)
10) Tension Is A Passing Note � Sixpence None The Richer �but tension is to be loved when it is like a passing note to a beautiful, beautiful chord� (This song and I are on funny terms�)