She fooled all of her friends into thinking she's so strong but she still sleeps with the light on and she acts likes its alright on as she smiles again...
I could quote all day. Not songs though, but people. Sometimes, it takes the discussion and attention with another to fully understand oneself.
Maybe I knew it all along, but then again, maybe not. I think vaguely I knew.
First, I have been shocked today at how good I am at putting up a front. I can sit and "laugh" and chat with others whilst crying, and of course, there is no way of them knowing. There is no way for them to have any knowledge of my extreme physical discomfort, and the torture and tulmult of my heart and my mind. And I feel almost bad that I mask so much. Yet then again, do they really want to know? Do they really want to listen? Some say they do and a couple I almost truely believe. Others, whom I should believe, I don't. Perhaps by fault of theirs, but more probably and realistically, by skewed views of my own.
Thus my phone will stay untouched.
But what else could they do for me anyway? At this point, there is nothing. There is no relief that anyone can offer me aside from face to face relief, and none of them can offer that to me.
Which pulls into what continues to spark this depression. Loneliness. Chronic loneliness. I try to disguise it and ignore it. I carefully and discreetly adumbrate it in the depths of my soul. I try to satiate it by other means. Yet I can feel it tangibly and bleakly even in the best of moods.
But in the end, it all fails. None of it lasts. Nothing else can really satisfy that basic human need. The need for contact. The need for touches and glances. The wonderful contortions of a face. The pleading eyes as they express their concern for you in a voice anxious for your well being. I don't have that. I don't have anyone to turn to because of all the situations I am placed in. I am almost completely cut off and isolated from the outside world and human contact.
I need to get back out there. All I want is one friend. One best friend. Someone to sit with me and laugh. And cry. And talk. And just...be...
But I don't have that. I have no one. Words on a screen are little comfort...sometimes the warm crackle of a voice, but that hardly makes it either. I need more. I want more. But I can't have it. I can't have someone's hand to hold. I can't have a shoulder to shed my tears on. I don't have that sympathetic soul to look in my eyes and tell me they care. And I do not speak romanitically in the least. Just deep human friendship and interaction...pure and strong and sweet.
Where are my means to go searching for what I want and need? I have none.
Unless I confess to my parents. Unless I remove my mask and explain the urgency of my situation...Which I do not want to do...
You're lonely Megan, you have no solid foundation to stand upon.
That is too heartbreakingly true for me...