If anyone knows me, they know that I hate being misunderstood. I fucking hate being misunderstood. It makes me so angry sometimes that I will fly up the wall in rage and frustration. Although the anger never lasts long...it never endures... it melts away quickly...
And I have been misunderstood.
I am utterly shocked to find out, that someone actually believed I was serious about all this fate mumbo jumbo.
I honestly thought that it was mutually understood, but unspoken, that there is no such thing as fate.
But� I guess that was never there�
I don�t believe in fate, I never have, I never will. I do not believe in chance in any way shape or form. I don�t believe in luck, I don�t believe in karma, I don�t believe in coincidence. Even when I was a little girl, I would spit, laugh and scoff at you if you honestly believed in any form of chance. I just don't think it's rational and plausible...
Call me stupid. Call me a fundie. But I know God better than to believe in all these silly games of chance.
With every word I spoke of fate, I had misgivings. What I was writing wasn�t right. What I was saying wasn�t right. I didn�t believe what I was writing. It was beautiful. It was wonderful poetic embellishment, and in a children�s story, in works of art, fate is a wonderful character and tool.
But in real life, she falls flat on her face. As does all chance.
I never believed fate set out to make me miserable. I never believed my life was marked for naught but pain.
That�s the bitter irony of it all.
I�m outwardly blaming make believe creatures. I�ve been pretending that there was such a thing as chance. That there was such a thing as fate, and that it was abusing me, but I never believed in it.
I made up my Angel, I made up her stories, not only to convey my inner feelings prettily, but to cover up my own astonishment and shame at how shaky the paths I set for myself have been. I wanted to be in denial of all the blame I knew I needed�I wanted to think in one way, but I knew it was wrong, so I made pretty fairy stories to channel my falsities, and stubborn pessimism behind. It�s all been a sham�
So that I didn�t have to fess up to things I knew I had to�
And that�s the truth. I had to get that off my chest before I positively exploded.
Now I feel better about that and can move on.