2004-09-07
Let's Be Straightforward This Time...
hearing: Motion Picture Soundtrack - Radiohead
reading: nothing
feeling: no different than I have been
Tonight, let's string together everything I've said recently... Let's lay it out more plainly...finally...
A girl of far too many tearsfor her young innocent years
I never believed a person could die of heartache.
I always thought that was a melodramatic flourish of literature, or the folly of silly, wholly irrational weak-constitutioned girls.
But I was young and I knew very little then.
I am still young, and I still don't know too much, but I am ages older than I was then and I know a lot more.
And I've come to see that I must have been wrong.
Because dying of heartache is exactly what I seem to be doing.
Very slowly. Infinitely slowly but so steadily...
I grow weaker, wearier, and more ill each passing day.
The headaches grow worse and more frequent. Every morsel of food which passes my lips makes me violently sick.
I force myself to survive. I expend every ounce of my strength towards living. A weaker person would die under this. I know it. But I have a will to live yet. Live I shall.
But barely...I am barely ekeing out my existence.
What energy I have left must be pored into my dissembling, masks, and fabrications. I am growing colder, harder, and increasingly apathetic, but it doesn't slow or stop that which is underneath.
I'm afraid I'm going to start crying. And I won't be able to stop.
This wasn't supposed to happen.
Things weren't supposed to go this way.
I wasn't supposed to feel this way.
It's all wrong.
But with a frantic shudder and shock, I realize this is my life. This is my existence. This is my reality. This is my prison. This is my doom.
It shouldn't have been this way.
But it's too late to wish in reverse.
It's far too late to go back and undo.
But what am I supposed to do now?
And what about...
Are you....
How are...