This has to be the longest day in the history of the world. And it wouldn't be so bad, if I didn't feel like crap. Emotionally. Physically I am just tired, but that makes me cranky and isn't helping the situation. I just want to go bawl my eyes out. This is crazy. This is the kind of day and these are the kind of feelings that lead to late night beatings.
I just thought, to pass the time until I can go check the mail for the cds my dad ordered for me last week, I would transcribe what I wrote last night.
It's never enoughI push so hard to be what I am not. I long and wish so much to be somebody else.
To be pretty
To be smarter
To be witty
To be a poet
To be perfect, by my definition of perfect.
I really just want everyone's approval and love.
I can't have everyone's though.
But I always feel like I am getting no one's. And I can't understand that. Because I am getting approval.
And more importantly, God made me, and that should be enough. That He didn't make me a pretty, witty, genius poet. He made others of those. He didn't want me to be one of those. He wanted me to be someone else. He has a plan for me.
And I do struggle to see it. Why do I wish to be someone I am not?
The grass is greener on the other side?
But it isn't.
Do I feel like they are appreciated and worth more than me?
And how could they be? They are just different...not necessarily better.
Do I just feel too boring and ordinary?
All of the above. All of the above. I feel like I blend. Like I am just your ordinary "deeper than the average Joe". As if I am abnormal but only a little more...as if I am abnormal in a common, normal way.
And its who I am. And to change, is impossible. It would be easier for my teddy bear to change the color of her fur of her own accord.
So I have to be reconciled to who I am.
But I can't.
Because I hate her.
I shouldn't, but I can't seem to shake it.
Then I look for affirmation that I am not any of these things from other people. And it satisfies. But only a very little, for a very short while.
I have to find a way to believe this. To really believe it myself. To shake it and be confident.
Yet I don't know how.
And then I feel so hopelessly, wretchedly mediocre and normally abnormal, that it upsets me horribly.
It hurts inside.
And I am so disappoined.
But I know its absurd to feel this way.
And it becomes a struggle not to hit. A vicious battle rages inside not to hit.
Because my disappointment with myself is wrenching out my insides.
But I still know its absurd to feel this way.
So the war between my head and my heart rages. Its tearing me apart. I am sick of it. It hurts and I see no end in sight. There is no truce on the horizon. Only more war. Sometimes there are victories, but those were only for battles. The war is still being fought. Hard. And the obsession for perfection is chronic. It borders insanity. Really.
And I want it all to end. I want the war to be over. But it isn't and who knows when it will be.
I just want somebody to hold me until its all over.
Hold me while I sob
Just hold me...
Hold me...
I am tired of being optimistic, but to acquiescence my optimism for my old habits of pessimism, would be to begin the takeover of my heart over my head. Emotions over sense and reason.
I want to give up my reason and let my emotion run its course and run dry.
But I can't do that. I hold fast to my reason and the direct contradictions to my nature, because without, I would be huddled in a corner sobbing, beaten and bruised, all by myself.
I blame this all on my hormones. Its their fault my mood swings so. I am sure that they will settle back down when "the week" is over and then I will hammer things in and they will stay in.
I just have to endure this until its over.
And its awful.
I hate being moody. I hate burdening people.
I feel so stupid. This is all so absurd.
But I still can't shake it.
Absurdity.
*sigh*