I am being watched . This scares me. Just a tad. Especially since I feel like I have been having off days. I would hate to blame it on being sick, because really, I shouldn't let my condition hold me back if I don't have to.
Of course when other people's parents hold you in high esteem, really, what have you to worry about? *blushes red* You know I almost could have fainted when I heard that. I never feel quite worthy enough for such esteem. In the end though, it leaves me wondering...if other people's parents could dig you, what about your own? That is territory I still don't want to step into. Its tougher with one's own parents, because they perhaps know you better and feel more responsibility to solve your problems for you. They will take out the bad and worry and blow it out of proportion. I am ok. Really. I don't need help, but would they believe? I am not entirely sure.
I also have a struggle with believing I could be loved despite all my flaws and shortcomings. My parents haven't seen or know of my worst. I have always been a good child and its what they have seen. I guess it is rather ridiculous to believe that they could possibly stop loving me because I guess, truth is, they are my parents, they have,of course, seen some of my worst points. The ones that hide in my closet. Not the worst, but some bad ones...like my temper. I...I won't say what I have done, but it was bad. And they still love me. They always would... But I still feel uncomfortable opening myself to them.
What a silly girl.
This spun off onto a random tangent I didn't want to go to. I seem to be good at that lately. I think it can make for good conversation. Well at least some long conversation. Perhaps tedious and confusing and annoying on my part. I don't know. Nobody seems to have blocked me yet so I guess I am doing well! And yes, I did get my conversations yesterday, even if I didn't get to go out. So there is a happy ending. Sort of...
Because now I am troubled. One of the conversations was troubling. What do you do when someone says this to you, "I dunno, everytime I get on this window I almost break out in tears and I wanna go jump off a cliff." And then when you ask why, they tell you that God told them the feeling came because you are having trouble. He has no answer why, just that something is going on with me. How do you deal with that? Especially when, to all of my knowledge, I am perfectly fine. Everything is great. I am great. It doesn't make sense... He wanted me to go pray about it last night, but the truth is I didn't. I wrote an email then went right to bed and to sleep instead.
Shouldn't I have at least prayed for some insight into this entire situation?
But I didn't. Been a long time since I have really prayed.
And then the problem comes back to what was said. Did God really tell him anything? How many times has God "told" him something. About five or six months ago he delivered the message that an accountability partner was coming soon. Do I have one yet? Nope. There are others. April 2005. Psssht. Now that date feels all ominous. But I doubt there is any reason for it to feel so. It will come and go. Easy as that. With all this, my old doubts flow back. I tried to talk to him about my skepticism once before, but he is so dead set that its God and that its all truth. I can't believe it. I just flat out can't. I doubt. A lot. I am not doubting God. At least I don't think so. If I bring up these doubts to my friend he'd tell me thats the problem. I am doubting whether anything he hears and is told is actually from God. I wonder whether God actually tells people these sort of things.
But my friend is in such earnest. So innocent and set and firm. It is hard not to take him seriously. He can't be interpreted as a fanatic. I am sure he must sound that way. But he is not fanatic. He is not a Bible thumper. He is a little rough about it but still rather gentle and kind. He told me to relax about this. I mean... but I still can't believe what he is telling me. I doubt. I am skeptical. I can't help it. I have always been. Everytime he starts in on something God told him or some feeling God gave him, I admit that I roll my eyes. I listen. But I just can't believe him. It isn't that he isn't trustworthy... I guess I just don't think those sort of things happen anymore.
I just don't know what to do with it. I know I should probably brush it all off, but I can't. I tried. I just can't. Why does it all worry me so?
I know just the answer my friend would give me too.
"Because you know its the truth. You don't want to believe it, but you know its all true. Why won't you just believe Megan? Why won't you just believe?"
Because I can't...because I am not sure... it all worries me so... I am feeling very lost and very confused...very, very confused...