Hourglasses spinning
Stopwatches ticking
A key is winding
A bond unbinding
Up the stairs
Towards a goal
Bad. I should quit while I am ahead. But I just had an urge to seize pencil and paper and something came wriggling out. And then I tossed the notebook aside. This is a testament to what an awful beyond awful poet I am. I hate it. And I still posted it.
I have been sleeping. And I am shaking quite badly now and I really need to go back.
My brain is just collected enough though that I need to write something.
I just had the worst attention span deficit ever. I couldn't think. I was trying to have a conversation with someone and I'd start typing...and my eyes would glaze over. Then I'd forget what I was typing. And I was lost. Then the monitor started burning my unfocused eyes. The pain brought me back. I'd blink and push my fists into my eyes then look away from the monitor. My eyes would glaze over again. I was lost. This time the pain of my feet falling asleep woke me up. And I blinked and rubbed my eyes and tried to focus on what was going on before me.
I couldn't though. I wasn't processing anything. I got up and tossed about the room. I stumbled into my room. Tossing and tumbling and bumping into things in my mad craze to refocus my brain. It wouldn't refocus. I wanted to lay down and close my eyes. I started crying with frustration. I started hyperventilating. Finally I made myself calm down and I gave myself a soft pep talk. I tried to force my brain to focus, and it felt like it was going to explode.
I finally stumbled back to my computer. The message box was blinking. I saw all these new messages sent to me. I scrolled back up trying to distinguish where I had left off. I started to read but the letters swarmed before my eyes. Purple letters running together. Words. I don't even hardly remember what I read now. Something about too heavy...rambling...apologies...masks...hypocrisy... And it spun and spun. I was crying. I wanted soo badly to be able to process what I was reading. To comprehend. I understood enough to know something about his mask being lifted. I wanted to be able to listen and reciprocate something. But I couldn't. And I cried. I typed something back out. And then something got typed back. But I didn't wait for the reply. I stumbled back to my room. I lay, almost fell, on the floor. And I lay there, all sprawled out. I closed my eyes. I didn't want to get back up. The floor started spinning. Everything ran together. But I had a duty to the person I was talking to. I pushed myself up. I sat kneeling on the floor, the room spinning around me until it finally stopped. I stood up and slowly trudged back to my computer.
More purple letters to distinguish. I caught the gist of what was being said. I think. And I got back that I just had to go.
I went into my bed and lay down. And just lay. And I fell asleep. Sort of. I think I slept. Not very good sleep. I lay down and the only thought that ran through my mind was death. I wanted to sleep and never wake up in this world again. I was hoping I wouldn't. I really, truely was. I drifted out of consciousness waiting for my heart to stop beating and my breath to stop rushing through my chest. All I got was restless blackness. I woke back up and almost groaned. I wanted to go back to sleep right then but I knew I had to change out of my clothes and turn out my lights. So I got up to do so, and here I am now.
Yet I am hardly up for anything. I want back in bed. I still feel so bad though. Looking over my chat log...I feel as though I might have let him down. I feel so bad. I just couldn't think though. I just couldn't understand all the letters. I read them and I knew what they said, but I couldn't remember them. I couldn't connect with some sort of reply. And I still couldn't eke out anything more than this now. I just want to go back to bed. I just want to go back to sleep.
I am more sorry than I could say... I will make it up. Tomorrow...tomorrow. After I sleep...
Oh yes, I have a guestbook. The link is there. Go sign it. You non dlanders (and even also you dlanders) can all drop me a little something now. Exactly. Please and thank you.