Its almost 1am, my back hurts like hell,my cat ruined my beloved brand new Switchfoot poster, I am exhausted but not tired, yet GLORY HALLELUJAH! I FOUND MY MIND!
I grasped at a concept and jumped and catapulted as hard as I could upwards toward it, and I caught the concept and my mind came falling back down into my previously empty blonde head! The missing space is filled! I can think again! An overwhelming hoarde of substantial speculations crowd themselves in. I overflow with ponderous thoughts. I feel whole again. I feel like myself. Oh what a glorious feeling. I am happy and I have a mind. Now lets not dwell on its finding too much, or I might lose it again. I feel it trying to get away even as I type.
I thought I should also point out that I had lost the left side of my mind. The left side has felt lighter, and even now the left side of my head feels like it is being tugged and pulled as my mind tries to escape again. I won't let it go.
This also explains why the right side of my head has been feeling so strained, pained and heavy lately. It has had to take all the burden of my thought and it just couldn't take the stress. It just couldn't handle it. Well no more dear right mind, the left is back.
I can only hope that the return of my mind foreshadows the return of sleep. It doesn't look promising because I am not the least bit tired. That doesn't bode well for the quality of my rest.
In other news, my cravings for new cds have driven me to go back to my favorite bits of ear candy from my most recent purchases. They have been vastly overplayed by now, but I can still remember when the songs were new and I had them on repeat. Crisp and clear. Addicting. I would sit and jerk and sway to the beat. Savoring the sweetness. Slowly, the flavor dissapated. I am left with the small, jagged disc of sugar that was once a sweet, full round minty pleasing song. I am left to try to vainly regrasp the pleasure I derived from the songs during the first listening. It takes a great lot of concentration but I sit and I try. But such a vain attempt. My candy is almost gone. It will soon be a pleasure to be recalled. A flavor left to linger in my ear until it becomes stale and monotonous. Then I know I shall yearn for new music more than ever.
I simply get bored with things far too quickly. *sigh*
I finished A Bad Beginning by Lemony Snicket this morning. Really now, its a children's book so I cannot complain about any plot holes or the incessant explanation of word meanings or lack of emotion and true despair. I was a bit hard pressed to pity the children. It didn't come easy, but I am used to books which are far harsher. Books which are truley unhappy books. Wuthering Heights (an especial favorite) and Vanity Fair spring to mind as having rather unhappy endings. Yet for a children's book, A Bad Beginning was rather good and shockingly dark. My brother was very uncomfortable with it and it rather jolted him and I suppose I can see why. I see why it troubled him so much and I wonder if it was entirely prudent to purchase the book for him as a gift. In any case, it is too late now and I am inclined to say it was still a good decision. Even if it was remarkably dark for him. I don't think it will really harm him emotionally, and the books are wonderful for improving a child's vocabulary. That highly impressed me. Of course I suppose that depends on what age one places the books for and what standards it is measured for, but by mine, and for...oh...8-10 year old age demographic, it is excellent. The books would actually give children an excellent starting point for a hearty vocabulary. Bravo. You know I am no sort of critic so I don't know where I get off saying all that anyway.
While my mind was lost, there was more room for some particularly discomfiting thoughts to invade my empty head. As I would chat, hideous filters would pass through my mind (or were veils lifted? the thoughts wish me to take that path but I am not so sure) that all my friendships are, are empty, aberrant fantasies with strangers who hold vague, shadowy, fallacies and travesties of me. That its all an empty pointless lie which I color in beautifully and hide and stifle behind curtains and veils. I did not contemplate this out myself dears, I throw up my hands in innocence. These were fleeting flashes of staggering emotion which I had no control over. It is of the same class as the phenomena of loss of self identity when one studies oneself in the mirror too long. It is of the same class as the questionings of reason and rhyme when you try to contemplate that this is you and this is who you are and what you are doing too deeply and too long. Thus I do not trust those fleeting flashes. I hate them. I loathe them. I wish they wouldn't come. I don't like the aftertaste they leave. Such bitter doubt.
I had better scratch up a defense though. Something which I am sorry to say I don't have yet. I have always left it in the realm of the unexplainable and that which is totally unnecessary to explain and speculate. Argh.
I wish I could then smoothly transcend to the next topic but it is such a jump. I am now gliding towards the thoughts which first allowed me to find my mind. Very much nonsense. But I love the thoughts. They attracted me my brain...
I have been toying with invisible strings and tracing transparent lines connecting stars and hearts. I pull a little here and study something there. I test their strength and contemplate their reality and existence. I find some lines between some hearts stronger and thicker than others. Some distances seem longer than they should be whilst others are far shorter. I even test the scissors on some. The ones I think strongest. I haven't really tested the ones I want to yet, but I think I shall soon and I believe the lines and strings are strong enough to withstand them. They do seem so fragile and delicate but I believe I can see that they aren't as they seem. In fact, I will be more surprised if the strings break than if they hold. Some which trace to the stars seem weaker and I daren't touch those until I may spin more string to them. Although I believe I shall need help with that. Other strings and lines are being strained. Almost to the breaking point and I am trying to save them. To keep them whole. I believe they are thick enough to survive but I am not so sure.
Oh my what nonsense and riddles I am speaking. Dear me but I can't help it. I hardly knew that I was going on. But it is a peaceful and pretty picture which I rather enjoy more than anything. All are welcome to take the picture I painted and turn it over and speculate as they will. The artist knows her intention, but she likes for others to apply it as they can and will to their own lives. Although she hasn't quite got down the trick of analyzing things thoroughly enough for people to relate in such a way. She practices though. She does.
As for my uneventful, yet self satisfyingly busy day, there is naught much to say. *hehe* I have been up and I have been down and I have been upside down in quest of my mind. I tried too hard to recall it. I tried half heartedly to recall it. I diagrammed and I wrote out extras pages. I read and I languished contentedly. I screamed louder than I have in a very long time, and I trudged through irritability. I have come out of the day and its few trials to find my mind. It is a happy ending. Or is it? A truely happy ending would be a good night's sleep.
Oh my I just had something dawn on me. What my mind wanted for it to come back, and what it wants now as its incentive to stay, is honesty. Honesty with myself about certain things first and foremost. I think also honesty with others. I have almost known that the entire time my mind has been gone, but I couldn't quite place my finger on it, and I was slightly in denial anyway. I did not want to face any truth although it isn't really bad and it would not bring me down. Well then I suppose I am left to this honesty and to contemplate it in the hopes of retaining my mind. Oh this means I must be serious with some certain people again too. Darn. Honesty always seems to connotate seriousness. I could try mixing honesty and silliness but I have never been able to mix the two well.
Now then I go to my hopes of a happy ending in a good sleep...