I feel such a tremendous amount of pressure to deliver a full entry every day. Reputations to uphold. Damn I hate reputations. I have so many. Not just the ones online. What I am really thinking of is all the reputations I have within the family circle. I am tired of them. Not entirely sure if I want to break them though. I don't know. I wasn't even thinking about this before. Why did I start now.
I am loving my hair cut more and more. The cut is great. And my mom did it. And she is not a professional hairdresser and has never been in any beauty schools. If she had gone to college, she was going to be a biologist. ! So all she does to cut my hair is observe what is on style via hairstyle magazines, tabloid mags like Us (she loves Us... :s ) and tv shows. Then she cuts. What talent.
I had really weird dreams last night. Not really much out of the ordinary dream territory, but all weird and all night. It was really tiring. And then, today was a weird day. I don't really know why. I didn't do much but talk to people today. I didn't do much work on my secret project. Just talked. Enjoyed my 2 new cds that came in the mail today. I ordered Demonstrates Plastic and Elastic from The Violet Burning and Shimmer from Luna Halo. Good stuff. So I got up at 11 and spent the next 3 1/2 hours anxiously awaiting the arrival of the mail. I finally went and got the mail, got my cds, and stuck em in my computer and went at listening to (and enjoying) them. Plenty of conversations speckled throughout the day. And most of the conversations were about nothing in particular. Is that why the day seems so weird? Why would nothing have me reeling like it is? Why am I reeling? The something wrong intesifies while still masked... On top of that I have some interesting thinking material which I will not disclose. Not disclosing already got me hurt once though...
I can't focus on much. The something wrong intensifies more and more even as I sit here but I don't know why. Everything feels so weird and I feel bored and overwhelmed by monotony. That's it. The monotony is one problem. It's finally getting to me I think. My thoughts and feelings day to day, are never exactly the same, and neither are events but they just follow too close a pattern for me. Its all been done before and I am tired of it.
Too much monotony and too much weirdness...I want the madness to stop. Now.
I still don't want to go to bed. I don't know why. I feel like eating something. I find when I am bored and/or lonely I eat. I am both. Can you imagine the overwhelming urges to eat something? I just zoom in on the fridge and the pantry. I can never find anything to eat though because I am not really hungry, thus very picky. Thus I usually don't eat much. I still usually haunt the kitchen though for a few hours searching for something to eat. Just in and out. Eating...an occupation... I remember doing this as long as I can remember. Yep. Old problem.
I guess I should go now. I have a hankering for Little Women. I love that movie. I have a vcr down here and our copy of that movie is recorded from tv onto a video tape. And all the videos are in the closet here. I might try and find it and watch it. Maybe. Maybe I will go to bed and to sleep instead. No no...I am going to go pace in the dark... then maybe go to bed...
Pain and panic
the world tilting
twirling on its axis, out of control
spinning off away from the sun into the dark
light bursting against his eyes, an explosion of light
a kaleidoscope of brilliant colors assailing his nostrils
the world
it's tilting
it's going too fast
I'm going to fall
~Both quotes taken from A Swiftly Tilting Planet by Madeline L'Engle. I love that book. So much.