2004-02-01
Something Along The Lines of Too Many Words

listening to: Ilaria - The Violet Burning
reading: Lilith by George MacDonald and A Swiftly Tilting Planet by Madeline L'Engle (5th time? 6th time around? I know the plot backwards and forwards by now but I keep coming back for themes...and the smell of the book...reminds me of Ecthroi and rips of nothing in the universe and the farandolae corrupted into their fatal dance around the mitochondrian and being Xed...even though that is all in A Wind in The Door...)
thinking: Snowflakes can be so beautiful... and my little white lies can falls just as thick

Lords of spirit, Lords of breath,
Lords of fireflies, stars, and light,
Who will keep the world from death?
Who will stop the coming night?
Blue eyes, blue eyes, have the sight.

Lords of melody and song,
Lords of roses burning bright,
Blue will right the ancient wrong,
Though the way is dark and long,
Blue will shine with loving light.

Lords of space and Lords of time,
Lords of blessing, Lords of grace,
Who is in the warmer clime?
Who will follow Madoc's rhyme?
Blue will alter time and space.

All three taken from A Swiftly Tilting Planet by Madeline L'Engle.

At first glance, this might seem to be vain and self servant coming from a blue eyed girl. Far from it. These were prayers for a blue eyed Native American child. The blue was an omen. Very important. Charles Wallace was blue eyed though too... he was the one who had to alter time...

I am feeling better today. Somewhat. See I got this man in my life. I think everyone knows already though, but His name is Jesus. I cling to Him. I cling to hope. And I pull through. I get through. I always can. Cause of Him. Always. Just a little thought...a little flood of peace and maybe even the sweet tang of joy is the foam on those waves of peace. And it is beautiful.

Is it morbid to say I like the night better than the day? I think I always have. I always felt closer to God at night... I always felt further disconnected at night. I always felt more majesty, glory and beauty in the night, over the day. Maybe that's why I keep staying up. To be farther from the day and closer to the night in which I rejoice.

It snowed today. The snowflakes were so perfect and pretty. When I first noticed them falling on the car window as we (my family and I) drove, I was startled into amazement. Driving through the seedy downtown of a major city...to see such a delicate, ancient work of beauty falling against the cold window... It was amazing. We got out of the car, went in somewhere, then, as we were piling back in, I noticed the snowflakes caught in my brother's hair and on his pullover...I was nigh tears. The beauty moved my soul that much. I was in awe. Crying at beauty is not part of my front and reputation to my family though. Crying is not part of that front at all. To them, I am shallow, excessively upbeat, and silly. I never cry. Never. I should have though.

I grow more apathetic every day. I genuinely care about so little. I struggle to overcome it. The apathy is stifling. Yet I invite and encourage it. What could stir me?

A very good friend told me today, and I quote, "one does not need many words all the time..."

As I began this entry, my original intention was to point this out, then ask a simple, thought provoking question and leave. Then I started writing, and thought of heaps of things to say. Let's use an exaggerated number. 103. I can conjure 103 things to talk about out of nothing. I know it. Between explanations, elaborations, tangents, and digressions (or would those count as the same?), its easy for me. I then thought, This means I am terribly interesting, or terribly annoying. Perhaps both. Which am I then? Am I both? And Which is dominant? Sometimes I feel that I must sound like Mrs. Nickleby from Nicholas Nickleby. Then I would most definitely be annoying. See, here I go. Off again. I always say too much, don't I? Example: I just archived my January entries. Not counting my Rings entry, I had 36 entries. That is five more than there are days in the month. And I didn't even write every day. And I do not have any entries shorter than two paragraphs. Got that. The shortest entry was still two paragraphs long. So many words. Too many?

It's time for me to go to bed. After I listen to Ilaria for the fourth time within an hour u_u AND just cause I like to "dance and glide gracefully" (maybe more like "jerk mechanically") across the floor duing Luna Halo's "Complacent" doesn't mean I am really that crazy...I am really not...I only do it when no one is watching anyway...

before & & after