And thus I return to my inhumane hours...I sincerely hope that I will be forgiven for again staying up so late and ruining the eyes...;) but again, please forgive me...my thoughts have had a precise turn all day and they finally gave vent and broke free but an hour ago...I have been turning a lot over in my mind the past couple days and decided it was time for one of those entries which discusses my deeper feelings rather than ordinary day to day events...I need to let my soul vent a little...to give my readers one of those nice tiny windows to peer into my soul...
First, I wish that I could have typed all that passed through my head as it first came through...I had already turned over in my mind all the subjects I wanted to talk about before my computer was on...this means I must pull myself away from the last thoughts and feelings I shall relate and return to the first...what a bother...I try not to think about what I write so much before I write it...ahh well...
The occupations of my thoughts have been turned by only the thought of reading Phantastes...there is something about myths and fairy tales which stirs me beyond myself...whilst reading the forward by C.S. Lewis of my Macdonald book, there were passages which had such a fantastic electricity and understanding between the words and my heart...my soul...and I so thoroughly agreed and my thoughts were lead beyond to explore my feelings further...those words from C.S. Lewis which spurred me...
It goes beyond the expression of things we have already felt. It arouses in us sensations we have never had before, never anticipated having, as though we have broken out of our normal mode of consciousness and 'possessed joys not promised to our birth.' It gets under our skin, hits us at a level deeper than our thoughts or even our passions, troubles oldest certainties till all questions are re-opened, and in general shocks us more fully awake than we are for most of our lives.
How well that captures my feelings...it resonates within my soul...and that is what it is...being so wide awake...so much more than I am normally...everything takes on a different light...an eternal light...nothing is viewed quite the same...that which was important means next to nothing...that which I shove away and forget is brought to the front...its importance is given its proper place again...and He who is so often forgotten gets His place back when I stumble awake...because He is most important and the wider awake I am and the more eternity lights my surroundings, the more aware I am of Him and His importance to me and to my life and how much I shrink in comparison...the light so fresh breaks upon me in my pit of despair...and I am uplifted...and I do not feel the same...and I feel so transcendent...everything else dissolves...until only He remains...and the peace and the joy flood and wash me clean again...I will not dance and I could hardly sing...I stand on a Rock with the wind to caress my flowing locks and the Son to kiss my face...
And my feelings go beyond words...beyond description...it should be no wonder why I take so long to read Tolkien's work...it begins with the fascination of the myths and the awareness of something larger than I ever expected to feel and I am jolted awake so that I lose interest in my reading...I am hard pressed not to let myself do that every 10 or so pages... and I do it other times...not just with Tolkien's work, although it is the best example...
My heart and soul tremble now...they are overflowing...I do not want to go on with anything else I had intended to say...it would lull me back to sleep and this is something I do not wish for...
There should be closure...closure...I shall sleep tonight...I shall sleep wide awake...and perhaps my dreams may reflect the bliss of my soul...