I feel so horrible...I was hoping I would feel better in the morning but I only feel worse as I recollect what I did...the drama I caused and they way in which I blew things out of proportion... I can hardly move myself to do anything...change into my clothes...eat...read...live...I just want to curl into the fetal position on my bed and die there of a broken heart...
but no, lil'mac did not break my heart...I did...I did it...no blame in these problems ever lies on others...it is just me...he did little wrong...it was all me again...I can barely deal with myself...the questions will not stop "What have I done? Who have I become? What am I worth?"
I have no answers...all I know is that I hurt...inside...a lot...it just hurts beyond belief and I hate myself...I hate myself...I will not commit suicide...I made that decision a long time ago...but self mutilation looks so good...sounds so good...my razor sat in the bathroom last night beckoning me to cut up my thighs...just one cut...just to try...just once...see what it is like...I hardly know why I didn't cut up my wretched cage for my wretched soul...but I still have enough sense...I can still hear God's still, small voice whispering to me that cutting is not the path to take...it is not the way to solve things...I can hear Him whispering to me the answers to my questions...but I hardly listen...and it gives me greater reason to be angry with myself...to hate myself more...I am solving a bad situation with even worse solutions... the cycle is horrible...what can I do...
I hurt so bad...
so bad...
cant I just
die
now...
*closes eyes painfully and shakes head* no...it isn't right...everything I do so wrong...I have to go fix things...but I wait on one circumstance which will enable me to do so...one...without it I can do nothing...so I wait impatiently for the reply...