Music: Saves The Day - In Reverie
Maybe if I weren't so shy, and so worried about seeming stupid I would talk to people...but then again what if they don't care...what if they don't have any interest...*sigh* Oh well...
Today has not been a good day...at least I did get Jesse's head on a platter like I wanted... ^_^ I am seriously thinking about cleaning it up, printing it out and framing it just as a joke...that would be so much fun...the little bright spots like this in a day are good...
Now I hardly remember why I was unhappy in the first place, yet the storm cloud looms over my head...I just feel so pessimistic and cynical lately. This is what I get instead of the Christmas spirit...I am just totally bereft of Christmas spirit...I have never had any...perhaps when I was a small child but it has been a long time since I truely enjoyed Christmas. I just feel so...jaded with it I suppose...maybe disillusioned...I couldn't handle though to have Christmas day just like any other...my debilitating fear of monotony couldn't handle that...the fear requires me to indulge in days out of the ordinary whether I like it or not...I must have them to keep sane...to keep the monotony from suffocating me...that is also what cloudy days are for...to draw me away from the stifling atmosphere of suburban subdivisions...
I don't know what to do...just I suppose as I always do...try to suffocate my non Christmas spirit and put on an empty Christmas spirit mask... unenthusiastically pretend to enjoy the Christmas music...(truth be told, I hate most Christmas music...old, dark stuff is good...but otherwise...)...try to show some joy in decorating the Christmas tree...pretend I get a kick out of driving around at dark gazing at Christmas lights with that blasted Christmas music blasting...there is just something wrong with it...all of these Christmas traditions depress me horribly... all the Christmas specials bore me... I just never feel the way I have been dictated and told to feel...I can't help it...one of these years things should change... things must go differently...the burden of looking on towards a season of misery, gloom, commercialism, cyncism, and materialism is just not fun...this whole season is not my thing...*sigh*
So there...horrible me...no Christmas spirit whatsoever...
I am also having some attention deficiency problems...When am I not...I hate to talk to people about it because it is just all whiney crap. I don't mind, and wholeheartedly welcome people who need to vent all that whiney crap because I know what it is like...I can relate and know they are not really trying to be whiney but it just feels so bad and they just want to talk about it... I am sure I have people who would care to listen to my whiney crap but I just have a hard time believing that...
I hate whining...not other people whining but me whining...
I am not supposed to be angry at myself anymore...I promised someone I wouldn't be but when I get unhappy and angry I always take it out on myself cause there is no one else who deserves blame...ever... just me...
Whine complain Whine complain that is all I seem to be capable of tonight...I apologize...I am just not in a good mood...I guess I should shut up and go now...
I can't find a quote...I can't think of one...not that I can relate to...not now...
Under A Lavender Moon,
Miss Megan