Music: I am not listening to anything, but I have the song clip "She Moves" from Toby Mac stuck in my head, and a part of Superchick - So Bright (Mob Action Mix)
Well what can I say...I am feeling sour...horrible...lonely...cynical...mean... all in all crappy...So then what to say...
I almost acted really sour towards my mom about my distaste for frozen pizza but somehow it came out short and light and happy, "Oh I don't eat pizza. Frozen pizza that is." Well at least my cowardice means that I never have to worry about my parents ever knowing there is anything wrong...What would I do if they knew? Would they think I must be horribly depressed and suicidal and have an eating disorder? None of those is true but I always fear being misunderstood...having my feelings be misinterpreted...
I don't know what they could do for me...I don't know what any person can do for me anymore...It's all this attention deprivation coming back to haunt me...among other things...yes... *sigh*
My pants don't fit right...But my anger and disappointment can only manifest itself in a dangerous passivity...
I meant to do a lot of things today...but I didn't really get anything accomplished...typical pattern of mine of late... I need to exercise some better self discipline. That has to be a goal... especially when I am down like this... this is one of those times when I need to be alone to fight with myself, to cry, to think overmuch, to lay on the floor and writhe in pain and heartache...I don't even know what all this is about anymore...I need to figure that out too...refocus myself... sort out my problems...Come back able to talk and act reasonably around people...I hate hate hate being in a crappy mood around people...I feel like I must be looked upon as a poor, whiney, self piteous, irrational, intolerable character not worth their time...many will assure me otherwise but I cannot shake the feeling until I am being untrue and happy again...
I had forgotten my offline journal...I have not written in it in so long...I think I am just going to print out this diary and paste it into the other...perhaps add some elaboration and notes that the rest of you cannot ever see...
Lately I have been reviewing my deep dark secrets again. One hardly counts as such. The other most definitely does. I look on it amusingly...cynically... how bad is it? Would anyone really care? You just want attention don't you? Why yes of course! If I let out my secret I could shock people! At least a little perhaps? That would gain you much coveted attention.. how sad... such a low...so ridiculous... I am most angry with myself and all my motives and such... All my problem...no one else's...no one else brought me here... no one has done anything wrong to me to deserve blame...it is just me...
Well I have yet to eat dinner...so I am going to go do that now...carry on with your lives...
"I could write you a song, send you a note, or empty out your trash
and buy a bucket full of diamonds but
even the most beautiful of all roses must someday crumble to dust
and fade away.
It's a certain tragedy."
Saves The Day - Certain Tragedy
Under a Lavender Moon, she who seems to be capable of nothing but pointless drama,
Megan