Music: Cars and Calories-Saves The Day
I would have posted this earlier but I couldn't...my IE is acting up horribly. But I didn't come to talk about that...
I just came to see if I could put words down. It always helps me to talk about these things even if it is to no one in particular and even if it is terribly vague. Both of these are true for what I am about to write...
Yes, my feelings they persist in taking bites out of my insides...when shall they leave me as an empty shell...I know not when, but I eagerly await the day. And yes, I am quoting Cars and Calories although my problem is worlds away from shallow fantasies...this is a much harsher, more painful way of looking at it...But it is so sweet...so melancholy...Couldn't I deal with anything so easy as depression? Not this...not this almost welcome feeling...not this bittersweet torture mingled with pounds of stupidity and lack of common sense. This guilty pleasure almost...it kills in so many heartbreaking ways...anger at self is one...and bits and pieces of depression...and of course it tends to kill one in this context any way...or at least when it is me...it always did and it always will...perhaps not always will...one day this might change...
Yet it steals away my true joy, and my peace and my life. It disturbs me at all times...it bites at me and haunts me...and then it kisses and caresses...then it bites and haunts again...I do not want it yet I would not give it up for anything...it is my pet...it gives me a false, cheap imitation of joy and peace...something I would gladly discard yet at the same time I am unwilling...I want it but I don't...hasn't it always been that way...won't it always be that way...or perhaps one day that will change...
Shall I feed it and fuel it? I try so hard not to...but sometimes it is too hard not to...Shall I disclose it...never...no never...there is one thing that may make me...a return...yes...a return of it would...and is it within the realm of possibility...it is so close it terrifies me...because then what if it returns...what if...and then, what shall I do?
At the very least, it has twisted away from extremeity to the point of physical sickness...this does me well..suits me extremely well...I have to deal with other physical manifestations such as trembling but what problem is there in a tremble? None...
But look...it is late now...I shall go now to be with my bittersweet pet and obsession...with my flood of despondency mingled with an evilly falsified joy...that which tears me apart inside...but please, it is nothing to worry about...this would not drive me to the point of an extreme such as suicide...this is not of that type...perhaps you should worry about me...I don't know, it is your choice...as for me, I shall fully realize and accept this statement and let it have it's twistings in me,
the daily quote
"Afterwards I learned, that the best way to manage some kinds of painful thoughts, is to dare them to do their worst; to let them lie and gnaw at your heart till they are tired; and you findyou still have a residue of life they cannot kill." George MacDonald, Phantases
How true shall that end up to be...
Under a Lavender Moon,
In the state of Melancholy,
Miss Megan