Mood: Numb, exhausted, and stressed
Look... I am writing again already! I really should be eating lunch but, oh well. When one needs to write, one really has to write at that moment before all the feelings and thoughts escape...one cannot produce them artificially or willingly recapture them.
I am industrious...I vacuumed and mopped the floors today. I also cleaned tv and computer monitors throughout the household and dusted a little. I still have clothes to fold though. *ugh*
But that really isn't what I came to write about. Not the mediocre, every day tasks...but the feelings behind them. I am just so numb... So completely emotionless. I am just blocking out everything. I have so much to do and attend to that I really don't have the time or privacy to just sit down and sort out my feelings. I wish I did.
I am just downright miserable. I feel like there is something missing...like something is horribly wrong...I am hungry...anyone see where this is going? I am having "God withdrawls". It is my special term for these feelings. Truth is, I am addicted to Him. I have begun the foundations of a life built on Him...only thing in my way is my two hideous monsters of Pride and Cynicsm but thinking about those problems and their solutions only makes me feel worse. Yes, maybe I am running and in denial. I feel horrible about it, and that I won't make myself do anything. Gosh now I have myself in the hole of worthlessness and low self esteem. I just...I dug myself a hole and am burying myself in it. Between my pride and my unwillingness and my hardness of heart I just feel so far from God, and like I can't get back. And it is all my own doing. I am not a person to blame God. He hasn't done a single bad or unfair thing to me. He has only shown me love, forgiveness and mercy and I pay Him back by withholding my life and running from Him. How wonderful I am...*dripping with sarcasm* Gosh do I ever hate myself. Any of my worth is in superficial, unimportant little outward traits. Nothin out of the ordinary here. *sigh* So here I am, missing God, wanting Him, but feelin like I can't come back because I have the major sin of pride and I won't repent of it. A big wall...no, a big knife which I fashioned for my own spiritual suicide, and the death of relationships with others. I am just miserable now. Thinking about all this just depresses me. It's not really about self pity. Its about a hole and an emptiness inside that I know what to fill it with but I can't get to it...And so I am just empty, and frightened, and lonely, and feeling unloved, and horrible and hypocritcal and numb...because I can't do anything with the feelings. I hardly know how to go about fixing things...and then I think I do know and I daren't go down that path but its the only way to fix things...I just want help...I just want relief...I want the whole thing to end...But I don't want to start down the path to end it cause I don't like it one tiny bit...*sigh* I have resolved nothing by talking about it. I guess I will go eat lunch now...
Today's quote:
"So I'm changing who I am,
Cause what I am's not good.
And I know You love me now,
But I don't see why You should."
Sixpence None The Richer, I always forget what song it's from...
Out Like A Light
*Brrr...ZAP*
Miss Megan