2004-06-16
Void Of Nothingness
hearing: Eraser - The Gravity Show
reading: Middlemarch by George Eliot, Sonnets by Shakespeare
wearing: jeans, shirt, belt
What to say, when there is nothing left to say?
I hate this suspension...of everything...of emotion, of speech, of eloquence...of everything. I feel like a void in the universe. I feel like a black hole of nothingness, sucking in anything that comes near me and obliterating it to swell my anti matter.
And no, I don't mean that I am worth nothing, I don't mean I am a nothing, that is simply what I feel like. That is the only feeling I seem to have at the moment. A void. I try to feel one way or the other, but any way of feeling is a charade.
I could feign depression, but I am not near that melancholic. I could feign joy and happiness, but I am not near that up-beat. I could feign anger, but there is none, perhaps slight traces of irritability every now and again, but hardly anger. I could feign any feeling I wanted to to give an answer for myself, but in the end, all it is is fabrication. I feel absolutely nothing but a blank.
And a blank is worse than the deepest pit of depression. Depression is something. There is at least a searing pain with that. In happiness, there is even more trace of feeling (although honestly, I think not much more) than there is in nothing. A trembling joy would be something. A huge something. A shot beyond the edge of feeling, drowning in the sweetness of voids of feeling. But then, the feelings are all void, because there are so many.
This is the anti of it. This is the opposite of joy. This is nothing. This is blank, hollow, hated emptiness.
My only savior from this flatness, is reading. I read. I sink down into the depths of Middlemarch, which I have neglected much lately. But now, I can welcome it wholly. Because it fills the void of feeling for just a little while. Whenever I read. Then, there, I have an object, a direction for my empathies and sympathies, something which stirs my imagination and everything in my mind. It is the fuel for my otherwise idle mind.
So perhaps that is what I should be doing now...
But first, a new doll. Ta Da.
I call her "Aristomache". Honestly, I am not overly pleased. I feel like she is still missing something. But at least I did create something. I think despite all the rest of this nothingness, I am having a surge of creativity... I will need to update my deviantart account tomorrow...