A bad day which began at four am when my cell phone woke me up, complaining of a need of a charge. I rolled out of bed, with my head still pounding a little, and my sinuses clogged and bothering me, to rifle around for the phone to plug it in. After about ten minutes of searching, I found it in my purse, plugged it in, and went back to bed. Fortunately I got back to sleep quickly, and the bed was a great comfort. The cool sheets contrasted nicely against my fevered skin.
I woke up again to start my day at around ten. I bustled around a bit, checking a few things on the computer, followed by a scant, crappy breakfast. And the stress had begun. Being at my desk reminded me of my schoolwork. I realized I had grossly neglected my studies the week before because of my poor mood then. I was a bit behind and it was going to take a lot of work to catch up.
I lagged before getting in the shower and starting school by idly folding some origami, which turned out to stress and frustrate me further because nothing would work. I could figure out nothing. I gave it up with a scream and a tear of the hair and shuffled to my closet to pick out some boring clothing. I am so sick of all my clothing lately.
My kitten wanted to play, and proceeded to give me even more painful scratches all over my hand. I was already cranky and in a bad mood from exhaustion and stress, and little smarting nicks all over my hands didn't help.
I kicked him gently off and grumbled my way to the bathroom for my shower.
And I cried a while in the shower. Because I felt I needed to. I felt horrible to do it. I was trying to work up a positive attitude. It's been my labor lately, but I continue to fail. I work on a good mood, only to end up wanting to cry even more than I did in the first place.
Eventually I prematurely shut off my tears, got out of the shower and set upon the small stack of schoolwork I had. To name it doesn't seem much, but it took me all day. At least four or five hours for my American Government homework alone. And I almost fell asleep over it so many many times. I just wanted to nap. But I couldn't.
A few quizzes and tests, bad tv during dinner, aggravated mother, and an uncooperative printer later, and we get to now.
Well...there was some more. Some emotional, but I can't talk about that. She knew. So she was considerate about it. But others... And I'm not even sure if she understands all of it fully. If I made myself clear... and... it just won't go away.
I don't want to think about that. It only makes it worse.
I feel so ucky. Dinner is bothering my stomach now.
Now don't get me wrong. I don't think my life is a horrible one. I don't think I am some poor unfortunate whom everyone should pity. I'm not saying that my life is any worse than any one else's. But everything is just wrong lately. And every day is worse than the one before (and so I'm afraid to get up tomorrow morning...what if tomorrow is worse than today? I don't know if I could withstand it...). And I don't think it's unfair at all. Because I'm sure that it's my fault. I know it has to be all my fault. I don't hate myself. I don't want to extinguish my existence. I just have a really poor attitude which I can't seem to remedy. I'm trying... I really am... I'm trying so hard... but all I really want to is sit down and sob.