The fitful pounding of my heart scares away the traces of sleep which would return to overtake me. I have slept a few hours at least, but to return to sleep at the moment is, seemingly, impossible.
So much...fear...fear again, spins through my head. Assailing me from so many fronts. And I don't know how to handle any of it.
I have slowly shed my adopted mantle of cold behavior I had been developing, and the first touches of the icy blasts of wind in the cold wasteland I had stumblingly run to, are piercing me to the bone. A person can't live in these conditions unless they are so frozen that they can't feel anymore. And I can't live frozen. But when I unthaw...
I must face the consequences.
I also must mention one of my fears at least.
My father had me submit an application to the community college last night. We'll sign up for courses soon. Fall semester starts in a couple weeks. Some of the courses start as early as August 22. The chemistry course I might take starts on the 24th.
So shouldn't I be...ecstatic? Ecstatic that light has finally broken through the clouds of my loneliness? That relief is in sight? Nearing my grasp?
Perhaps I should be, but I'm not. It's adding an even greater weight for many reasons.
I don't want to think about this. About anything. I am feeling greatly overwhelmed.