Now the whole world....was as sick and feverish as that; it was worried and overworked and perplexed by problems that would not get stated simply, that changed and evaded solution, it was in an atmosphere that had corrupted and thickened past breathing; there was no thorough cool thinking in the world at all. There was nothing in the mind of the world anywhere but half-truths, hasty assumptions, hallucinations, and emotions. Nothing.
How true. How much so is this my perception and feeling lately. We're all caught in a net.
But I'd like to believe there is more out there. That we can, if we choose, be clearer thinkers. There is not nothing, there is something clearer. And I'm grasping for it. I'm trying to break free.
But no, I don't blame this problem on the outer world. I am part of the stench myself. And breaking free means cutting off my own limbs.
Ignoring the fact that I didn't get to sleep til two, got up at six and didn't sleep well the next four hours, that my ass hurts like hell and I can't even sit normally, and that my entire back is sore...shoulders, spine, back, lower back; I'd say that I'm doing pretty darn well this morning.
I figure as long as I keep laughing, smiling, singing at the top of my lungs and dancing along to happy, bouncy music, I'll be just fine. Maybe it's all a ruse. Maybe it's all sugar induced. But I figure if I act like I'm ok long enough, I will be ok. I'll deny anything is wrong inside to myself. I'll deny all the feelings I feel but shouldn't. I'll deny that everything that was ripping me apart exists. I'll deny that it was ripping me apart. I'll turn my back and shut my eyes and it will all go away...
Right?