So as you may or may not already know, I haven't been sleeping well lately. I don't get to bed until about four in the morning, and I usually get up at about ten or ten-thirty. Part of the problem is unnecessary stress. I'm driving myself into a wall over things which aren't very important, and which I have plenty of time to do. It's my habit to stress though. I'm a lot better about it now than I used to be, but now and then, my natural tendencies rear their ugly head and I go berserk with tension.
But notice, I said part. If it was just stress, I might be able to talk myself into sleeping. But no, there's more.
Think back to when you were a little kid. You'd have a really bad nightmare. I mean, terrible, wet the bed frightening. You wake up from it in a cold sweat, screaming and crying. It was unimaginably horrific, and you can't get back to sleep that night. And then, the next night, when bed time looms, you recall that horrible dream. And oh man but you're terrified to go back to bed and to sleep because that dream might come back again tonight. And you do not ever want to relive that dream again.
So your parents leave the room and turn out the light and leave you alone. You shoot out of bed, grab a flashlight and start entertaining yourself in any way possible. You do anything you possibly can to keep yourself awake. Read books. Roleplay...or I guess you call it Let's Pretend at that age. Jump on your bed (and subsequently almost get caught). Run back and forth through the length of your room. Perform jumping jacks. Somersaults. Play with toys. You get inexorably tired. It becomese a force to keep yourself awake and interested in what you're doing. You're falling asleep in the middle of your tasks and you're forcing yourself awake.
Sometimes you even start crying. You're so tired, but you can't go to sleep. You force yourself to do things which are hurting your exhausted frame because you're just too afraid to go to bed.
And that's what it's like for me. Except I'm not afraid of a dream. I'm afraid of emotions. And pain. Things which I can fend off well enough when occupied. During the busy-ness of the day and heights of strenuous activity or conversation, I'm ok. Sometimes I'm even more than ok. Sometimes I'm great. But when everyone turns in for bed, and I start turning out my lights, it all creeps up on me again. Mostly, it's just the loneliness. My loneliness has only become steadily worse over the years of isolation. And when I'm laying alone in the dark, I have the leisure to think and feel, and the loneliness strikes me poignantly. Along with other emotional pains which only emphasize my loneliness. And I can't take it. So I avoid bed. I stay up. I blast my music as loud as I dare, and dance to it violently until I'm panting for breath, my side hurts, my legs try to give under me, I'm dizzy and losing my balance, and my eyes dim. It's physical discomfort. I can handle extreme physical exhaustion on my own. When I dance, I can concentrate on the rhythm. I can forget anything else I might feel. When I'm resting in bed it's all right there...
So my sleep patterns deteriorate. I do poorly. But there are a hundred million reasons I should be sleeping far better than I am. I've got to just face it and crawl into bed earlier and try to sleep. Because when I don't sleep it ruins my health, complexion and eyes, and it makes me cranky and irritable.
Boy does it make me cranky and irritable. Combined with PMS, yeah, I'm pretty much a wreck.
I feel lazy because I end up waking up so late, and I'm too tired to do anything, so I get angry and frustrated with myself for being lazy.
I feel ugly because my complexion is so pale and dull and the circles under my eyes get so big and I'm too lazy to dress decently. So that ruins my self confidence.
And then I just want to sleep. So I'm cranky because I don't get to rest.
And then...and then with all I mentioned earlier...
And I go on like this so I feel like a silly whiner...
And my jaw hurts rather badly from the insane ways my teeth are being pulled. And that makes me even crankier.
AUGH
I'M IN SUCH A BAD MOOD.
I feel like a worthless, ugly shmut (not a typo).
I need a hug.
Be wearing a handkerchief for a shirt.
And bring me chocolate.