I'm stumbling through the dark in a nightmare. Of my own making. I blame no one else.
I want to be able to tell myself that I have made a horrible mistake. I want to tell myself that this won't be necessary after all. I want to tell myself that I really don't have to go.
But I am afraid that it would all be lies. I want to lie. I want to stuff it all and stay. I want to ignore it and cling to shreds and watch the vapors slip from my fingers long and slow.
But I can't do that. Rather make a stab at salvaging. If the salvaging doesn't work, I can't stay...it's not going to do either any good.
I don't want everything. Not in three days. Just one step. However small, a step taken which cannot be taken back. One small step forward which is going to propel us into some sort of position which requires further action. Not immediately, but eventually. I know it takes time. There just needs to be a step taken. Now. Please. Step forward, rather than withdraw backward as you have been. Slowly we could move forward. But there needs to be some small definite step first... Surmount this fear...
I fear I sound so selfish. So selfish. But if I were thinking of only myself, I think I should keep silent.
I don't know any more. I'm so afraid. I'm so exhausted. I'm so sick.
So afraid.
But I must give my thanks.
I say thank you to those who let me drop projects. Who give me space. Who listen when they are needed, and withdraw when there is nothing more to do.
I give even more thanks...immense gratitude and love to those who call me. Those who call and leave stumbling (to my confused ears) voicemail. Those who call at midnight to talk. Who offer me their insight, and advice, and support. Who let me cry over the phone (what little I can, my pride prohibits me from sobbing until I have hung up the phone). Who pray with/for me. To hear someone's voice giving support...not text on screen...but voice...to actually, finally hear someone say they care in the midst of my sorrows. I thank heaven, I thank the Lord for those people. I cannot even begin to say how thankful I am. So thankful, I am.