Why do people think its fun to exploit and take advantage of other's unsuspecting naivety?
Why is it, that my earnestness, my curiousity, my trust, and my paranoia must be taken advantage of? Over and over, so many people, because I am such an innocent, naive, trusting person, toy with me. Often, just simply. I make a comment, and they mysteriously laugh at it. I assume there is a good explanation for this, and they have some weird ideas about things. I ask eagerly to know why they are laughing, and they will not give me a reply. They string me along and taunt me about it, until finally, they concede to defeat, and reveal that there was nothing to say in the first place. They have a good laugh at my expense because I am so predictable. They know just how I shall react. I always react the same way every time. I fall into the same trap. Because what if this time, they are in earnest and they have something to reveal, or, if its something more serious, that I am needed. People keep crying wolf at me and I can't help but believe them.
And it hurts that I continue to be taken advantage of in such a way. They laugh, they find it a very good jest, and I am so easy for them to toy with about such because they know I won't complain.
But don't you see the hurt in my eyes? Don't you hear the bitter sarcasm on my lips? Some can't. I try to relay through other methods, but I must be failing miserably.
Sometimes I wonder if I should react to this gross abuse from people by growing cold, untrusting, suspicious, and altogether unfeeling. How should you like me that way? But nay, I won't. I try to develop some stronger defenses against this habit people have of taking advantage of me, but I can't seem to build up. I am always afraid that this time, will be the time they are in earnest. And thus I cave. And thus I am laughed at.
"Oh Megan. You're so predictable. You shouldn't take things so seriously!" (and then come the hearty laughs). Gosh that hurts. A lot. Every time. They always think its a harmless joke. But it isn't. Not to me. I wish people could understand that.
I have so much digesting from The Problem of Pain, but I fear that anything I say, will be a mere paraphrasal of what I have read. No original thought. But I might still attempt.
With my own applications, it has hit me very hard today, how much the "Christian community" in general, thinks that they must be happy all the time. Pain and unhappiness are to be avoided at all costs. We have been taught that they are to be dreaded and avoided. Suffering is detestable and we must be kind and shield all suffering from anyone.
But sometimes, suffering is beneficial. Doesn't the threat of danger or the pit of despair bring a person closer to God? I know that for me it does. Yet for such a short amount of time. We cycle back up into complacency and self sufficiency and leave God away and behind. We can't help it. No one can. God uses pain to jerk us back. He doesn't cause and create it. Yet He can still use it.
Yet we still run. Its a cycle. Always submitting to our own wills. Oh we die every day. Our nature lives, our will lives, and we contradict it and kill it, yet it is alive again every morning. And we must die again. The cycle continues. It is hard, and it is contradictory to ourselves, yet isn't it worth it?
Stop the striving, start the dying.
We die every day, in order to live in Him.
I am indebted to C.S. Lewis for the spurrings of these reflections. Most has hardly been a pathetic paraphrasal. A weak attempt. I blush to have tried that. I have no faith in my ability thus I hardly tried at all. Gosh I hope he isn't rolling over in his grave at this entry, or more like, at that part of the entry.
*shivers nervously*
And lastly, I want all of you to be thankful that I have so much more than relationships on my mind. That I can actually write about other topics. I believe that the normal for a girl of my age, is to speak of her pinings for a romantic relationship with a dashing prince charming every other entry, if not every entry. I have read around quite a bit lately, and have found this true. And if they happen to have their so called "prince charming", then they are talking about him every entry. It confuses me terribly, but then again, I remember just several years ago when I was such a girl. 'Tis true. I am subject to human normalcies and although not boy crazy, far from it in fact, I still pined desperately for God to bring me a boyfriend. "I will be content with my singleness, but I still want a boyfriend so baaaaaaad." Haha. Oh the days. Centered on boy/girl relationships. "I won't think about boys ever again. I will give this up and over to God and pray that He will bring me a boy in His own time. As long as that is quickly. Let's say, tomorrow?" Every other thought was still dwelling on how lonely I was and how much I wanted a boy to call me his own. Its a common mindset run through most of the female teenage populace, and I am not going to discuss the other ages. I feel unqualified for doing so. I don't want to anyway.
Yet in all honesty, I haven't had those desires in a very, very long time. I believe I am going on a couple years now. I do not blame this on my isolated position from society, although I think the isolation gave me time to think it through and center myself. Obviously, I was forced to go without boys or any prospects, thus I must find some way to compensate or overpower. So maybe I can blame it on my isolation from society, but in a very good way. And now, I believe that if I were to be put back into society and confronted with boys and relationships again, my mind would not change an inkling. I no longer feel the need for a boy for validation, for self worth, for confidence, for anything. They are unnecessary for me at this age, and unwanted for anything besides honest friendship. I couldn't care less.
I feel so proud. Hehe. I can rise above the normal. Even with my bitterness uprooted, I am left in the same position. I know it. This may be partly influenced by my bitterness, yet there is a deeper, firmer peace permeating this. Through God, I have attained that wonderful peace and reconciliation to being single. I am content as I am. I see the worth where I am now, and shall be for as long as I am called to be. Obviously, I am just as eager as the next girl to have a man someday, but not soon. Not now. When I am good and ready, and when its time. Which is still not now. And not just any man either. I happen to be terribly picky. Oh terribly terribly. Very high standards. A dreadfully wonderful thing. But all of this does not have to be, and is not, my center, all consuming thought.
Although considering I had an entry on relationships just a couple days ago, and how long I have gone on about this now, EEP. Bad for image. Bad for business. I fear seeming that I harbor hidden lies and hypocrisy about the situation. I need a good six months before I brush on this topic again. Possibly longer if I don't feel like brushing on this topic in six months. I doubt I shall.