Well, my dad signed me up to go take a GED pretest on Monday April 5th at the (ungodly) hour of 9am (excuse the night owl, she is used to getting up at 10am every morning. I suppose I really have to start working on an earlier bed time now so that I can be awake and functioning at the hour of 9). The test is 4 hours long. And this is just the pretest.
I'm looking forward to this. Not. It gives me a headache just thinking about it. And then I will still have to take my GED test. I really have no confidence in myself. I can picture myself flunking this pretest horribly. But thats ok because its just a pretest. It will give me an idea of what I need to do to prepare for the real test.
Yet I suppose I should make an effort to study. I have never been a studier though. Every time I studied for a test (what, 5 times in my entire life), I actually did worse than usual. So I have no idea how to study for tests. And I think this is one of the few times that studying could actually help me.
This makes my head hurt. I am so nervous. I have two weeks, but still. Things are moving. Shifting. And its overwhelming me. There is so much buzzing around. My dad also keeps pushing me to look for a job. He asks me so much; if I have thought of something I want to do or if I have found a job I want to apply for. Constant questioning. And I guess I just can't put it off any longer. I have to go take that GED, I have to go get a job, I have to start growing up.
Pile this on top of all the emotional stress I have been feeling, and I am about ready to collapse. I feel as if I would explode from the pressure. And its so little. But I got so close to a nervous breakdown back at the beginning of high school, that I have never fully recovered. I do not handle any amount of stress well. I can not handle heavy responsibility like I used to. Its very debilitating, but I don't quite know how to fix it. I am going to bet that I break down crying in the middle of my GED pretest because I can't handle to take it. I will try my hardest not to, but I don't know if my hardest is enough any more. My nerves have been wrecked and never healed.
I just don't need this now. I have no choice though.
I'd go back to the special project I was working on, but I am not entirely sure I can get a handle on it again. Maybe I will go job hunting. Or maybe I will go study.
Or maybe I will just go lay on my bed and cry.
My nerves are so shot.
I am sensing a pattern in my mood. I have ignored it long enough. Now I have to face it. And I do not like it. Not one bit.
I am so tired of life.