I have calmed down a lot about my GED. Just taking the test, I have calmed down about it a lot. Had a second person tell me all the things my dad has been telling me for months and then some. I also considered some of my records. I was reading at college level by the time I was 12, I scored in the top of the nation on the standardized tests (consistently), Recognition in the golden state exams for algebra, 4.0 gpa (consistently), and let's not forget that I watch the history channel (voluntarily and for fun of course) and my favorite genre of literature is 19th century European. Let us be rational, I am not stupid, far from it. I am intelligent, and pretty knowledgeable. I can pass this. Easy. I just freak out for nothing sometimes. Maybe I will stay calm about this.
But just because I calmed down about that, doesn't mean that I am ok. I came off the stress, and plunged immediately into chronic depression. And its ridiculously bad.
I really need to talk to someone about this. Badly. But I won't. I feel uncomfortable, and even a little embarrassed about it. Enough that I almost don't even write about it here, and what I do write, is as vague and sparse as I can make it. I guess I just want everyone to be clear that I am more, much much more, than depression and drama, but as hard as I try not to, I still have my depths and they still get really bad.
But lately, I keep going through this over and over. Its absurd. The drama is stupid. I cannot get over that or reiterate it enough. So instead, I draw back and away until I can sort things out on my own.
Oh but it hurts. A lot. There is a lot of pain. But I am swimming against it. Always against the tide. Surrendering is just not an option. I know better than to let my feelings get the best of me. I know better than to follow their flow. It hurts so much, and it is so hard to fight, but I can, and I will. And I am.