I want silence. I want my own room. I want my mind to stay with me and quit sliding onto the floor when I write.
Can't ANYBODY grant me these things? Apparently not. I must work against it.
AGAINST THE ODDS!!!!!
Or not.
I need a device which shall record my thoughts and picture impressions of a moment for translation into words later. But I just can't have that. So I get to try and conjure up early events or give up trying to write about them.
I have grown into the habit of taking an afternoon nap. Today's was the best I have had since yesterday. No really, yesterday's was an awesome two hours of unconsious bliss. I never dream when I nap. Which is great. It means I sleep better, but usually, I don't really fall fully asleep, so I get stuck in that realm between sleep and wakefulness. Which might not be as restful, but it is so beautiful and mysterious. My afternoon naps are worth it, just for the hour of searching through that unchartable realm. And which part of the realm I travel through, is influenced by thoughts prior to slipping into it, and conditions around me.
It was rather later than I usually nap and the sun had begun to set, thus my room was slightly dark. My heater was going on me and I was curled up into a tight ball on my pink chair under my lavender and cream afghan. My body generated a lot of heat, which was then trapped and it made the air under the blanket and around me a little humid. I was so comfortably warm, and I had fallen into this realm with headphones playing a Sixpence None The Richer cd. All of these worked together to create the emotions and mental impressions which fell upon me. Delicious meldings of my ideal surroundings. Cloudy, rainy fall days. Bookstores with little coffee shops nestled in them. Pier One Imports and all the bright exotic smells and colors and fabrics and textures. I felt and smelled rich warm reds and golds (yes...colors...I was smelling and feeling the essence of colors). The perfumes of coffee and new books wafting about me. The smell of rain. Feeling as if I were standing out in it with the drops hitting the pavement and my cheek. Running down my cheeks. Filling my cup of joy. All these and so many completely indescribible...wrapping around me. Engulfing me. Carrying me away to those ideal days. I was almost trembling with joy in the midst of these impressions...it was glorious. It was ecstasy.
I didn't want to open my eyes and face the bright pink walls surrounding me. I didn't want to leave my little space of warmth. But I was so cramped and my sister was calling and bothering me. I leapt out of my chair without a thought. Stumbled up and left my reflections. Dwelling on them would only make me long. Spring is coming. It may bring rain, which is what I long for, but I want the cool rains of fall. Not those of spring. I am morbidly obsessed with fall and winter. Spring and summer just aren't my thing.
I just seem so longing lately don't I. Well I am. Not just for that but for stars. And moonlight. And faeries. And that ecstasy and joy...I feel a poem coming on...tonight...in peace I shall write...
Because there was a star floating on the breeze and I wanted to catch it...
*sigh*