what were many-volumed romances of chivalry and social conquests of a brilliant girl to her? Her flame quickly burned up that light fuel; and, fed from within, soared after some illimitable satisfaction, some object which would never justify weariness, which would reconcile self-despair with the rapturous consciousness of life beyond self.
...Many ... have been born who found for themselves no epic life wherein there was a constant unfolding of far-resonant action; perhaps only a life of mistakes, the offspring of a certain spiritual grandeur ill-matched with the meanness of opportunity; perhaps a tragic failure which found no sacred poet and sank unwept into oblivion. With dim lights and tangled circumstance they tried to shape their thought and deed in noble agreement; but after all, to common eyes their struggles seemed mere inconsistency and formlessness...
Have you ever felt like you wanted something more out of life? Not fame or celebrity, or great wealth, for those are temporal, fleeting, and above all, just as commonplace and circular as the suburban families living out their predictable existence. Fame and fortune only bring further trivial adherents to a tainted, shallow reality.
No, something... unnameable. A wordless passion and desire. Not to bring oneself glory, but...to ripple the waves of society and change the flow of the current for the better. To leave something great to redress society but never be noticed or thanked for it. To slip under the grave, leaving the world with seedlings of Great Change. An impact out of measurement. As great an alteration as a frail, foolish human is allowed to evict.
I've felt that way. So often. It's been the pulsing, guiding light in the depths of my soul for as long as my memory permits me to remember. A tiny girl, blinking at the sun out the window, wishing for Something Bigger than herself. Something ever evolving and shifting and morphing. An intangible desire, impossible to satiate, but longed for most in the world after God and heaven.
And some days it's stronger than others, for no apparent, logical reason. Today has been one of those days.
Is this the Folly of Youth? Is this a normal kaleidoscopic hungering of the early years of life? Am I going to settle down as life moves forward? Will I grow weary of my desideratum and sink into the circles of complacency and normalcy? That which has heretofore repulsed me? Even as a tiny tiny child?
Fleeting?
Only time will tell.
For now I'll just burn...