2004-06-24
Whither Shall I Wander...
hearing: Call Me Call Me from the Cowboy Bebop Soundtrack
reading: Middlemarch by George Eliot
wearing: gray short sleeved shirt with a paper safety pinned to it that says �all is vanity�, black choker with a purple flower, black wristwarmer, jeans rolled up to my knees, awkward socks, and the customary hemp bracelet which I think I might break off pretty soon here�
I think� I was ready to say something� but then� and I think I got scared again. It�s not you�it�s me�but even so, I know I should still come�I know�and I would�
Why didn't I answer the phone the one time I heard it ring... why? Why? I think I desperately wanted to. But fear got the better of me.
I�m so scared�why am I so scared?
flows directly into a stream of elvish (and I think my elvish should be a little better this afternoon)
Ok ok, alright, this is not just a place to send round-about messages to him. Let�s shift focus a little.
Yesterday was a very busy day. So was the day before. I end up slithering about so that I have hardly any time to get on the computer. Haha, no loss. I gave myself a migraine the other day from being on the computer way too long, and that made my stomach hurt worse.
Speaking of, my stomach flu is finally better and gone. I was having some real trouble. I wasn�t eating near enough, because not only was I sick, but with other emotional stuff, I just wasn�t being able to eat anything. I was wasting away. I was shaking and dizzy quite often. I should have been in bed resting during those times, but instead, I insisted on being up and going about and exerting myself further. I think it was some sort of death wish. I want to die of exhaustion and overexertion�let�s see what I can do� It was a very paltry, not even half-meant wish though. I honestly don�t want to die. I honestly don�t intend to. That ridiculous, self-absorbed, egotistical romantic side of me simply got up a delicious martyr complex for me to carry about on my shoulders. Something to whine and mope about a little.
�Oh oh my love! I go into a consumption�I fall into a consumption over you� over all that falls out�I cannot take it� I am going into a consumption��
Yes something like that. Very pathetic of me. I don�t believe I shall be eating lunch today, but I do not intend to go into a consumption. I should feel that I was an ill constructed �heroine� in an ill-written 19th century French sensation novella. Ew. I am not that ridiculous.
On the subject of things getting better, my arm is nigh entirely well. Yes, remember my fall? I badly strained a muscle in my arm and Cyrik came to take over my diary whilst I recovered use of my left hand. Well finally, after such a long spell, my arm is nearly all better. Not quite healed yet, but almost. I can finally turn my palm upward, and just a couple days ago, I was finally able to shampoo my hair with two hands again. I feel somewhat triumphant, although really, I can hardly take credit for my arm being better. It healed of its own, and all I had done so far, was help to hinder the healing process by knocking it about more and over exerting it. But even so, it gets better. I am glad. I am eager for my arm to be in full working order again. I can then entirely dispel the unwelcome feeling of being an invalid.
Another unwelcome feeling of late, has been slight anger at my new haircut. I had my hair cut (the previous cut was modified and neatened just a slight bit) and colored last night. The color does please me I believe. It had been so long since I last got it colored, that my hair was getting a little too red and a little too dark. But that�s all fixed now. Shimmering golden/ashy blonde again. Yay. The cut�the cut is�maybe not quite pleasing yet. I have my bangs slightly angled now so they brush to the side better because I think I like them better that way. But now, I am not so sure. And the hair about my face is all a little too long. I think I wanted more face framing hair, but I didn�t get that, so it makes me rather displeased and a little angry. Not to mention that I think the rest of my hair is getting far too long. It must be 3 inches past my shoulders now and nigh mid back. I really don�t think I want it that long. I fear that the very long does not always suit my face properly either� I try not to let it be so very long because of that�otherwise I might grow it out to a glamorous elven length�waist maybe? Haha. Never longer than that. But I think hair that long is a bit too much work. But there is that certain allure to long hair. I mean, the allure I feel towards having it. Hair so long and shimmering, makes me to feel like a bright, ruddy, peasant maid of ages long past.
Ahhh I will quit my ruminations now. I am only trying to pass time, to pass daylight, to mask feelings, to construe fronts. I might say to ease minds, but these digressions will not. They will be seen straight through. I must ready my place of hiding where I am gathering together what words I shall say (and the courage I need for) when I come out of the shadows. And rest. I slept very ill and very little last night. I might require a nap.
Oh yes...and there...my mother needs me also. Father is away overnight. I am required more and must stray from my computer often...