2004-05-03
"Sugar"

hearing: Hysteria - Muse
reading: Miracles - C.S. Lewis (yes, again, much much farther this time)
wearing: white skirt, red shirt, black belt, black wristwarmer, red bracelets, "all is vanity" paper safety pinned to shirt, messy hair

Say a person gives something up. Not an addiction, persay, such as alchohol or drugs, but...just...something like sugar I guess. I really don't know how this situation is going to compare well to the general public, but I am going to try because its easier that way.

So you give up sugar, voluntarily, and don't eat any for a few years. You gain self control over yourself and any past sugar "addictions" you may have had. You feel that you have grown and matured enough now, to be able to eat sugar every now and then, that you have a strong enough control over yourself not to fall into any past habits or longings connected to sugar.

So you start eating sugar again. Never too much, just a little here and there. Everyone else eats sugar, and they're fine, so surely you will be too. It seems as if it would be silly to continue to abstain from sugar, when you have no "valid" reason to. You have no health problems that make it troublesome, so its fine to keep eating sugar. Disregard the problems you had in the past. You can overcome those now.

Yet slowly, you start slipping into old habits. You start eating too much sugar. Wanting it often. Longing and searching for the sugar. And then you realize where you have come. You just undid several years of work against these sugar problems. If you keep going at this rate, eventually, you are going to undo everything you learned.

But no one knows that you had trouble with sugar. No one knows the problems you have with it now, and what it does to you, whether you like it or not. Your self control isn't quite enough, but how do you explain that? It's normal to have sugar, its normal to feel cravings for it every now and then.

Yours are more chronic though. So you sit, cold and alone, fingering the sugar, considering what to do, as you continue to indulge.

Besides abstaining from sugar altogether again, you could try to balance it out more. More healthful foods, sugar less often and only at certain times, and perhaps you will be fine again, and, seemingly, normal.

Simple as that.

Or, so it seems...

Oh, and I am not actually talking about sugar.

P.S. My cold is much better. Well, I am much better, whereas my cold is almost dead. Yay. Although my voice still has that tinge of sickness all through it. Very very nasally. I would imagine its quite annoying.

before & & after