2004-08-14
A Therapist? Pffft...I'll Stick With My Mashed Potatoes...

hearing: Motion Picture Soundtrack - Radiohead
reading: Candide and Other Stories by Voltaire
feeling: well, its kind of hard to say...I guess fairly... fair... I've been in...high enough spirits...

This evening, I went out to eat with my family. We went to a nice restaurant. A fairly good restaurant.

And I almost started bawling half way through our meal.

Yes, I was poking at my food half heartedly, and about ready to throw my face in it and start sobbing as if someone had just died. BUT I WAS JUST EXHAUSTED AND IRRITATED OK? Oh-kay. Crowded public settings like that make me terribly nervous and annoyed. They send me into fits of bawling like that. And I had pulled weeds and stuff that day, so I was super super tired. Which makes me cranky. So together, I just...I just wanted to cry.

So anyway, I just stared down a piece of sourdough bread and I told it that this has got to stop. That I've got to do something about myself.

And then with a flourish, I ate it (the bread of course).

Because really, talking to my food? That's probably creating more mental problems than its solving.

But at least I didn't cry last night. It was still hell though. Yes, feverish dreams and the like. I woke up once, and I'd bet every cent I have (and I actually have a couple dollars in change) that it was 5:14am. But I was so scared of it being that time again, I was so battered and beaten from two consecutive nights of early morning sobbing, that I just dove under my covers and forced myself right back to sleep.

And then I got up at...9am. After having gotten to bed at...say...2am. I can't sleep in any more. It's become an impossibility. Gah.

One last note, I got a notify list. Just for the heck of it. And I made a little button for it. And then I grabbed some nifty java script pop up window code and ta da! I am very proud of the technique employed. A button...and a popup window! So cool.

before & & after