2004-09-09
Supplantation In The Dungeon Of Misery, Accepting The True Beam of Light

hearing: nothing
reading: A Wrinkle In Time by Madeline L'Engle
feeling: take a wild guess... heart broken. Dying inside...but that's a long story...

I want to be pathetic and pitiable. I want attention. I want people to think about me. I want them to care about me. Did I mention that I want attention? Desperately? I want them to worry, fret, and tear their hair out over my sorrows. I want them to feel remorse over the things they've done to me and blows they've dealt.

It's been that way with me for a long time. That's why I like to reject God and hope. To accept Him, it would mean I'd have to be strong. It would mean people would have to see the strength and hope in me, and be encouraged, and cease to think or worry about me or pay me attention. She gets on so remarkably well, I don't need to talk to her, she doesn't still need comfort, she doesn't still need kind words. She will make it fine without any help.

It's even more selfish and devious than that. I've been a crawling, creeping, disgusting little attention whore.

And I want to be one again. I want to be one now. Because I crave attention. I feel so lonely. I feel so isolated from anyone right now, I just want someone to come and care. So I want to wring their every heartstring and make them come and save me.

But that's not how it works. I can't keep doing that. I can't keep being purposefully pathetic when I know what's right and what should be done.

I can be strong, I know it. I can draw from God's strength and come out on top of this hard time. I believe in the future. I just don't want anyone to know that. If they knew, they won't worry about me, if they don't worry about me, they won't bother to try and be there.

Please God I don't know what I need right now but I need someone. I wish I had someone's arms to cry in. I always wish that. I feel so lonely and empty every day, no matter what else I feel. And it's worse when other pains are worse. And all I have is a teddy bear. She doesn't hug me back. She doesn't emenate comfort or words or anything.

I don't want you to feel sorry for me though. That's how I feel...can't I say it?

There is so much bitter pain inside. With every step I take I feel it. With every breath I take, sleeping and waking, I am stabbed with the pain.

I thought I'd known the worse throes of pain. But I was so wrong. This is so much more torturous than anything I've known before.

But I know I can live through this. I know I am going to. I know everything is going to be alright.

I hate that. I hate that everything is going to get better. I don't want it to. I want to be tragic and rueful. I want to die in a horrible mass of blood in a self inflicted wound, just to show off how terrible my position was. I want to make him pay for every stroke of pain this is causing me for the rest of his life.

Carnally. Impulsively.

But I am dying to myself. I am burning every one of my petty desires. Tossing them on the flames. Sacrificing my entire self. Dying a painful death inside in manifold ways, just so that I can live again. Draining the life out of myself and drawing on the strength of God to fuel me. Now. Even now. Every moment. Every second. Knowing how much I am benefitting from this, even if I don't want it to benefit me.

When this is all over, I will have so many lessons to impart which I have learned, which I am learning now.

But for now, I still hate that I'm learning them. I still hate that I have to be noble and virtuous. My carnal self is screaming in pain at having to be prevailed over. It's putting up a fight. A very strong fight. But I've had the strength within me all along to push it down with my pinky finger, tie it to a stake with one hand, and set flames to it. I just never wanted to do it.

Now I have to.

Watch me die.

I am learning to be what they always thought I was.

I want to be who they think I am. Not who I really am.

The demon is dying.

I'm not important.

My sight is slipping and shifting.

I am slipping away...far far away...I am being supplanted again. Finally.

before & & after