2004-05-31
Shining Eyes and Sleep
hearing: Call Me Call Me from the Cowboy Bebop soundtrack
reading: Middlemarch by George Eliot
wearing: jeans, belt, coral-y colored shirt
Blue eyes may burn brighter.
A happy, yet longing gaze on a pale, pretty face as the last flower petal slips past a blurry, faded picture.
And the blue of her eyes leaps from her face. Bright chinks which convey a trembling joy burning within.
Smiling.
Dancing.
Spinning...Spinning...Twirling...then stopping and closing up within herself. Smiling again. Secretly this time. It is her secret. Hers to keep. Hers to gaurd.
Blue eyes fade. Fading and meshing with the mediocrity around her. As she slips from her elation in a defeated guilt. She shouldn't. She cannot indulge. What is she doing? What is she thinking?
Or is it alright? May her eyes sparkle and glisten as they do? May she sweep the petals away from her hair with a sense of triumph and awe?
May she shrink with fear?
What may she feel? What should she feel? What should she not? How shall she go...what...what...
I started myself a second diary today. Originally, I was going to use it for expression purposes. What I just finished posting above this, wasn't going to come here it all, it was going to be confined to my other diary.
But then I thought, that is a seperation of myself. It's a masking of what and who I am. That's why I was doing it... I can more easily write off what I write, as being stories and artistic creations, rather than my honest to goodness feelings. But I decided not to do that. I decided I shouldn't. It wasn't necessary. So I don't quite know what I am going to do with my other diary, but I am sure I will find some useage for it. I shall do something with it.
I rather liked the template anyway.
But as you notice, my mood has shot up again, and honestly, it will be jumping up and down insanely. I don't know how long. I am just on an "emotional rubber band".
I don't want to get any flack for that though. I know that it doesn't make sense, but just get used to it. I am. I have been on an "emotional rubberband" for so long, that I am used to it. I need only learn to balance. My balance on it is still, not so good.
Look at the nonsense I speak! I blame it on the exhaustion. It took me another hour to get to sleep after that entry last night. I can't keep sleeping so little. Partnered with my very poor eating habits, I would imagine that things do not bode well for my poor tiny body.
Not that I am overly concerned about my health, but I decided it was worth pointing out.
Oh gosh. Sleep. Where did you go? Come to me and we shall be...
P.S. I know it sounds like I am overly obsessive, and I fear someone may be worried about how must a certain situation is on my mind so much, but honestly, it only lays strongest on my mind when I make a diary entry. Otherwise, I am having a life, I am living it, I am keeping well occupied, and it really isn't a huge mind consuming factor... Such as right now. Massive massive dolling project. Whoa.