I am finding I have to totally re-evaluate my lifestyle and the importance I place on certain things in my life. I have built my life around certain friendships. Everything I did, everything I said, was all related, considering and influenced by certain friendships. When a break must be had, I find that I am hardly an independent creature. I had relied on the friendship for my life structure. I was almost a mindless robot. I would keep in check things I wanted to say or do, because I was afraid of what my friend might think. Heaven forbid there be any disapproval of me.
And I can't believe I did that. I am not quite sure why. But I think I might know.
I have very few friends. Very very few. And if I lost them, I have no means of gaining new friends. So, being terrified of loss, I cling obsessively to make sure I won't lose the few I have. Because, really, thats my greatest fear. One in particular. I can't lose it. I don't know what I'd do without him. But that doesn't give me an excuse to cling the way I do. He isn't going to leave me any time soon.
I have been irrationally terrified and downcast about it lately though. It's what has cause my bad mood. He's been busy and tired and now he leaves for a bit, and my emotions whisper to me that I'm gonna lose him. That he's slipping away. My fears dictate and drive me.
Until I knock some sense into myself. The way I am acting might be just this side of...I don't know...something not good. I shivered at the thought. I convinced myself to become an independent being again, as I used to be, and to remember that my friendships were not my life, just part of it. I am a girl with friends, not a girl who is someone else's friend.
And so I busied myself. And you know what, I have had a good day. I am in a good mood. I have been extremely productive. And guess what, I did it. All by myself. I am an independent being. It isn't as hard as I thought it would be.
So this trip is being good for his well being and mine. I am going to be a much more healthy, friendly, functional individual because I rely on myself and not my friends. As long as I can keep myself focused. And I should be able to, because I like being happy and productive from my own means (well ok, maybe there is some GOD in there too...or a lot...).
I feel empowered, peaceful, and prolific. I should go do somersaults now. Or just...pretend that I don't have the voice of a harping crow and sing along with Rock And Roll Star whilst wielding a hairbrush as a microphone. Yeah.
Ah yes, of the many slight emendations I have made to my diary today, one great one was that I changed my playlist again. Werd.