2004-05-18
Was That A Ray Of Sunshine?

hearing: Suitcase - Over The Rhine
reading: Othello by Shakespear and Vanity Fair by William Makepeace Thackeray
wearing: jeans with the cuffs rolled up, red flip flops, black belt, red shirt, black shirt, paper safety pinned to the front that says "all kindness is but justice", red bracelets, black armwarmer, red beaded necklace

My mood has shot up through the roof. I think it came about from being outside and frolicking lightly with my sister. We had much fun and it made me feel a lot better. I am feeling a little more rational and sensible. I see everything a little more clearly...

But I feel like a complete idiot...argh. I need to go kick myself. Hard. Or something. I am such an idiot. I am not trying to...pull down myself in general, but some specific unsavory traits pertaining to the writing of the last entry. I am thankful that I have people around me more level headed and sensible than I apparently am. No no still not tyring to pull myself down that hard... *holds head and shakes it* This sort of thing just never comes out right...And when I feel like an idiot, I make sure to completely avoid the subject of my idiocy and bury it as deep as possible. Ha.

Anyway, my youngest sister is being discharged from the hospital tonight. The swelling in her cheek is finally going down, so she will be released with some oral medication to take, and then we just have to get the offending tooth pulled. Then this mess will all be over! Yay! That definitely lightens my mood. Knowing that she is better, and she can smile again too! How can one not be glad of that?

And my little grief for my grandmother dwindled down again. I just can't feel anything substantial regarding her for long periods of time. And I think thats perfectly alright and nothing more can be expected of me, but I cannot help feeling that my grandfather might not like seeing me in such a good, unaffected mood in the face of such a "tragedy". So I try to keep a tad downcast...just enough to seem as though I am harboring great deals of well restrained grief. Its really funny how I do that. When I feel grief, I want to hide it all, but when I don't feel any, I want to make it seem as though I feel some. What a silly, contradictory girl. She wishes to be viewed as warm, kind, cold, and haughty, all in the same tumble.

before & & after