2004-05-16
Not A Monster After All

hearing: Encore Un Verre from the Cowboy Bebop soundtrack (rawk.)
reading: Othello by Shakespear and Vanity Fair by William Makepeace Thackeray
wearing: black short sleeved shirt with a white short sleeved shirt over it with a paper safety pinned to the front that says "religion is the fashionable substitute for belief" in red letters, two red jelly bracelets, black wristwarmer, jeans, black belt, bare feet in red flip flops

There is so much going on in my mind, and rushing through my emotion, that I am not sure if I can get anything out.

I was contemplating my lack of extreme grief over my grandmother's death, and I realised that I really don't feel nothing. I do feel some grief over her death. As much as I may not have liked her, I did still, to a degree, I had some appropriate relational love for her and, I do, to a degree, miss her. But I wasn't close to her at all. How can I be expected to be ripped apart by her passing when I hardly knew her? In the past couple years, I have seen her far more than I have since I was about six, but there was no real relationship there. There is nothing to miss, no great friend or mentor lost. Just someone I barely knew, and recognized as a blood relation.

And again, as time passes, more feelings set in, what has happened sets in. A necklace sits by my computer, purely by coincidence, and it happens to be a necklace she had been idly contemplating when she was here and questioned as to who made it. And its weird to think about. And its a little disturbing. And its a little sad to think, that she won't ever look upon it again. I will never hear her voice to question it again.

She will not be here to see her oldest grand daughter finish high school with flying colors. She will not see her graduate college. She will not see her great grand children.

I get a little teary when I remember sitting on her knee and having her start naming off her grand children... I was her oldest...her first...allusions had been made to me being the favorite...

But her life has not been stolen from her...

She took it from herself. She overdosed on her prescription medications. And when I consider possible motives for doing so...had she been planning this? Did she know when she was over the other day? Did she come to say goodbye...for good? Its disturbing. It shocks horror through me.

But it makes me think, more than anything else. It makes me consider life in general, suicide, death, our own treatment of people, all those sort of things. I am determined to go to the viewing of her body. To gather the flower my grandfather intends to offer to everyone, and to gaze on her body and toss that flower on her. I want to consider further. Viewing the body should bring this closer thus clear up some of my reflections a little more.

Will my eyes stay dry? Who can tell...who can tell...

On another front, my youngest sister has been admitted to the hospital. She has an abscess on her tooth. I mentioned the swelling and the visit to the hospital last night. She came home late last night and she was given medicine to bring the swelling down so that she could go to a dentist and have the abscess removed, but the medicine wasn't working. When she got up in the morning, she was swelled horribly again so my parents took her back to the hospital where she was admitted so they could try other medications and monitor the effect. She has been give another oral and then given something through an iv, neither of which she responded to. They are trying a different medicine on the iv next. They have to get the swelling to go down, so that the abscess (and probably the tooth) may be removed.

I pity that poor girl. She's only seven. I would imagine that this isn't fun for her. But my dad told me the hospital was a good one and he bought her some dvds to watch in the dvd player in her room, and my mother is staying with her, so she should do alright.

I feel even worse for my mother who must deal with this and the death of her own mother. I pray for her. That she can make it through this stress. She's been trying to pull the funeral together and help get my grandfather set up with a new home because he doesn't want to go back to the one he shared with my grandmother.

There have also been some other problems going at home without the rest of this. My father has been doing very very poorly emotionally. I guess some bad stuff has been going on with him, and now this happens. My mother must have a lot weighing on her. I hope she is strong enough to handle it.

And my father...the same... the same...

And... no. I won't say anything more. I have said what is prudent. I just wish...

Silence again Megan...

before & & after