A conversation I had with God this morning
Me: Oh Lord... My heart is so cast down. I am in such despair. I hurt so much inside. I am so cold and apathetic. My eyes are so red and bloodshot. I cannot even cry any more. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I'm down all the time. No one cares about me. They're all replacing me with other people. They're sick of me. I'm sick of me. The world is crashing and burning. I'm dying. (blah blah blah blah...on and on...drama and drama)
God: Megan.
Me: Yes Lord?
God: What's all this drama about?
Me: opens her mouth to start talking then shuts mouth with wide eyes and thinks a moment, then repeats the process several times, like an idiotic goldfish out of water until she sputters out Well...I guess...I guess it's all because I'm terribly lonely.
God: Why are you lonely?
Me: Because I'm not talking to anyone. I'm cutting myself off from all human interaction because of all the drama...trails off
God: So because you're lonely, and it's making you hurt, you are going to stop talking to everyone?
Me: Heh heh...uhm yeah... Now that you put it that way, it seems really very silly of me. But... I... they don't really care right? They're not going to listen...they're just going to hate me... looks down and shoves toe in the dirt
God: Megan I don't think you really believe that. You know they care, don't you?
Me: sigh Ok ok yes. I know. I know they care but...
Look, I don't feel like putting any effort into relationships right now. I don't feel like caring. I just want a quick fix. Won't you take me in your arms and comfort me a while? Aren't you supposed to be sufficient? Aren't you supposed to provide me with all the comfort I need? gazes up at God with passionate, charming, lonely eyes and tenderly holds up her arms to be lifted up
God: stares down at Megan kindly but firmly and says Megan, I've already given you all the comfort you need. You're just not embracing it.
Me: What? What do you mean?
God: gestures over towards Megan's friends
Me: But...those are other people...not you...
God: Yes. Exactly.
Me: But...shouldn't it be only You that I need? Or...oh... oh wait...I...I see..You...You sent them to me, right? You provided them so that I could have comfort. You provided me with loving, faithful, caring friends to help me through these hard times. You're feeding them the strength to help me? You are only sufficient when I choose the wrong friends, and they leave and abandon me and I am truely left alone. Then You come in and work alone. But as it is, I have, perhaps not many, but quality not quantity is key here; very faithful friends who care very much. You put them there to help me. That is Your gift of comfort for me. That is your sufficiency in my hard time...lean on You and on the friends You gave me...
And for me to help them, for it must go both ways. I can't expect to help them, recieve no help from them in return, and run back to You for comfort. That isn't how things work.
Right?
God: Nods gently
Megan: Wow... I've been pretty foolish haven't I?
God: smiles tenderly
Me: Well...I guess I dug my own hole and buried myself. I've been like a little child throwing a temper tantrum... sigh Why didn't you tell me all this earlier?
God: gazes at her firmly
Megan: I have to figure these things out for myself...Right. When another person tells you, you don't really get it. You have to understand these things on your own. If You had told me, I probably wouldn't have understood. I'd just have been angry or something...
God: You understand. And you know what you need to do next. I'm always here. Always. I'll be here to lead and support you all the while. Just don't misread and waste the support I give you. hugs her gently and ruffles her hair then slowly fades a little into the background again
Me: stands with slumped shoulders all the while and head slightly downward, quivering and shaking her head and murmuring Such a silly girl...such a silly, silly foolish girl...urgh...although I guess standing here and complaining won't get me anywhere. sighs Ok ok. After my dumb American Government homework. When that's done I'll try to...yes.
God's rather clever about these things...
And it takes me so long to figure things out...Gack.