2004-09-02
Nothing But A Languish

hearing: nothing
reading: Till We Have Faces by C.S. Lewis
feeling: fatigued and melancholy

I don't feel like I want to be alive anymore. I don't want to commit suicide either, but for a few days, I just need to pretend like I don't exist.

I'm not sure what this entails, but if I'm quiet the next few days, it would please me not to have you worry about me. I don't want pity or sympathy, this isn't a cry for attention.

I'm just plain weary. I don't eat well, I don't sleep well, I don't dream well, and so I don't feel well all day. I just want to lay on the floor and close my eyes, and be nothing for a few days. To recuperate. To recover my nerves. To gain back sleep. To obtain an appetite again, just so I can keep on living.

Right now, I'm hardly existing. I'm languishing. I've been hardly existing for at least a week now. I want to see if I can grab a hold on life again. I want to live. Not languish. And if I have to pretend not to exist for a few days to find my existence, then so be it.

before & & after