But then it all started coming clear. I remembered that last night I wasn�t in bed until two or three at least. Then I was up at nine thirty in the morning as per usual lately. That�s not sufficient for me.
I guess I did persuade myself to go back to sleep until ten thirty though. I think I wasn�t trying to get more sleep though. I was just trying to prolong disappointment.
It�s kind of �if I close my eyes then you can�t see me.� Except it�s �if I close my eyes then even though you aren�t there, you might just actually be there and I just can�t see you.� It�s a pretty childish habit, I know, but I�m still a lot of a child.
I get nervous, timorous and quiet when I have to deal with store cashiers by myself. I cry when my dad leaves me at the college all by myself. Or even when he tries to send me into a fast food restaurant by myself to order my food. I�m kind of afraid to drive still, so I tend to drive bad because I�m so self conscious. I turn my face away and bury it in my sleeve since I can�t bury it in my dad�s anymore when strangers looks at me and smile and ask me how I am. I plead a full mouth at table whenever I�m being drawn into adult conversation until they move on and forget I�m there. Sometimes even, I stand in front of the mirror just in jeans and a bra, and wonder whose reflection that is. Because she�s such a striking young woman, kind of a little like the pretty, well curved models in magazine ads. But I�m really only such a little girl.
I�m trying to be better, I really am. But it�s hard. I�m supposed to be a big girl now, no, a woman. But I�m still acting like a baby.
Thanks for reminding me though I suppose. Maybe I�ll finally grow up soon and then you�ll be happy with me.
Maybe this is all just exhaustion though. I think I am just too tired lately�