I really really hate to put everyone through this torture, but I have to point out an earlier entry I wrote whilst "under the influence" of sugar. Its insane, and I hope, at all costs, to avoid writing an entry like that ever again.
That, my dears, is why I do not write when I am wired/hyper anymore.
Really, good moods like this, absolutely murder my creativity.
Its an ongoing cycle. Its a cd on repeat. I start out in a good mood, I plunge slowly, I wrestle in pits of despair, then I fight back up to a good mood. Why do I fight so hard to leave my misery? Why do I fight so hard to leave the peacefully dark times when they feed my soul in so many better ways...
A person just can't stay down forever and always. I can't be perpetually unhappy, especially when the unhappiness is not profitable. When the pain is simply to feel pain. There has to be the cycle back up. There have to be the good times to balance out the bad.
Gah.
What am I trying to say anyway? I am trying to justify for myself, why I may leave my poetic spontaneity and malaise (my new favorite word, right up there with elysian) for such a dull, stifling happiness.
Or maybe. Oh I don't know. I am thinking way too hard. I am prone to that. Over evaluating situations. Especially late at night.
Oh what an irony. To be weary and cagey of my happiness and longing to escape it to somewhere else, even if that be down to despair, yet then in despair, I grope and claw to get up out of the mud and return to the sunshine. I am continually granted just what I want, but it doesn't satisfy me. I don't ever like it. The grass always seems greener on the other side. When I am happy, I would rather be sad, and when I am sad, I will do anything to be happy again. I should make up my mind as to which I want, or learn to be appreciative of the mood, whatever it is. The latter is most desireable I think.
But at the least, I can still take pictures in a happy mood. Perhaps that is why I am so obsessive with my camera. It is a creative medium with which I may express myself well regardless of mood. And people are my favorite subject, and since I don't want to show anyone a lot of pictures of my family, I turn the lens on myself. And I go crazy. I should really go through and photoshop the heck out of those pictures. Again, photo editing, a creative outlet never negatively affected by my mood. My mood will affect of course. Always. But never to the point of inability to create. Whereas my writing, and my poetry can be.
Maybe I am also just very narcissistic and I am still in denial of the fact.
I need to shut up and get some sleep now before I ramble off so far that I am discussing cycles of Tolkien mythology or the evolution of the English language. Bore all my readers to death. That is just what I need to do...
I have this burning question I need to ask. Why doesn't imoods offer good words? Why aren't such wonderful words as prosaic, insipid, trite and at the least, tedious offered to me to use? I am feeling prosaic!!!! Not dull!!! I AM FEELING PROSAIC!!!!!!! But alas, the decline of the English language and the conquests of slang. Bootylicious is offered as a mood, but they can't even manage prosaic. It makes me sick. I need to riot and protest and demonstrate. Or formulate my own method for keeping track of my mood.
Nope. Both are too much work. I will just sit here in my chair and whine and mope apathetically. I seem to be best at that.