2004-08-24
I Certainly Hope That�s Not A Cry For Validation

hearing: The National Anthem - Radiohead
reading: The Fellowship Of The Ring by J.R.R. Tolkien
feeling: bored, tired, ridiculous

Ok, it�s confession time�I�ve been lying through my teeth saying that I was �alright�, �well�, �good�, and �pretty good� too long�I�ve been purposely blatantly avoiding the subject of talking about my day, and how I feel. I felt it was too whiny and unimportant. Well, time to end the silence.

There seems to be a lot of (attempts at) dry humour, sarcastic self-deprecating remarks and elaborated daylogging flying around lately. This isn�t characteristic of my writing, and although apparently it�s turned out well and has mayhap appeared light and jovial, the truth is, it�s all a front. I�ve been bitter, frustrated and angry a lot the past week or two, and it automatically translates into sarcasm when I choose not to write about the truth of my feelings.

Why so pissed off? It�s me. It�s my self.

I cannot seem to understand anything lately. I�m dumb. I�m just dumb. I fail at anything I put my hands to, because I�m too stupid, ignorant, and self-importantly blind to get things right. My writing is a farce riddled with grammatical errors, my paintings are wretched, my driving is poor, my relational efforts are weak, and my conversational habits are poor whilst my skills are feeble.

I spend my (infinitely long) days curled up in bed, where I cannot sleep at night, wasting the time by refusing to eat, or eating scantily and devouring what books I can (of course these habits make me perpetually headachy, nauseous and altogether rather ill). Although, my failure to perfectly understand and grasp every tiny concept of Voltaire, made me even more aggravated with myself. I have at least finished and moved on, but now I�m reading The Fellowship of the Ring, which makes me feel ultra trendy and clich�.

My scant sleep makes my eyes heavy and my complexion an unlovely yellow-y pale. All my summer shirts are out of style thus ugly, or hand me downs from my mother, which fit me ill and are very messy. Usually, I can console myself for the plainness of my clothes and how badly they suit me, by how pretty I might think my face and hair are (not usually very).

But lately from sleep, I don�t look so good, and my hair is growing uneven, long, and messy. My hands are perpetually stained with oil paint and my fingernails are uneven and not groomed. And of course, I am ever unattractively scrawny, and my efforts to gain weight, which I quickly give up on, never work well.

Don�t get me wrong though, I don�t feel worthless/unloved/etc etc. I don�t feel like harming myself. I am far from that.

I just feel dumb. And ugly. And unproductive. And lazy. And boring. And thusly, unhappy, very unhappy, frustrated, and angry.

But oh no, I don�t want to just sit and moan and bewail my bad feelings and how ugly and dumb I feel. I am a very proactive person. I blame that on the Leadership class I took in eighth grade (it�s not so much a class�we put on dances and sold snacks after school and made posters and put on events for the school and such�glorified student council maybe? It was no walk in the park though. It demanded a lot of time from us, and it cut into our normal class time, it infringed upon our vacation, and we had to do community service. It was a fun �class� but plenty of work). We had one actual traditional school assignment that entire year, and it was to do a report on an assigned book and topic�7 Secrets To Being A Successful Leader for Teens(?), It was something like that�and my group was assigned the first secret, the most important secret of them all. Proactivity. Yes. And I took charge of the project and pulled the whole thing together myself last minute because no one was willing to help me. Even pulling it together so last minute, I made sure to do my job well, and I gleaned a whole lot from that one chapter on being proactive. It impacted me and burrowed something deep within my mind, and its stuck with me ever since. (by the way, we got an A on that project�the teacher was astounded with how good it was�my group did the best of the entire class�)

So when the going gets tough, I (at least pretend to) get going. I can�t sit on my ass when I should be up and actively pursuing to eradicate the ignorance, laziness, and ugliness from my life. Bemoaning the problems doesn�t solve them; it only makes them worse. I�ve been trying to brainstorm how to make myself feel better. I�m trying to compose lists of things I can do, and should be doing, to improve my situation and my poor self-confidence.

But I am so lazy, and I procrastinate so much, that I haven�t gotten far in anything yet. I�m still in the thick of this very poor self-confidence and intolerable bad mood.

My last, shameful confession: I do not know how in the world to get html and image files uploaded to the cpanel for my friend�s website. The images are all broken, I don�t know where I�m supposed to put the files, I don�t know how I�m supposed to upload them�I just�I just don�t know anything� I�m stuck� I am totally stuck� because I�m dumb. This is all really simple basic stuff. But I don�t know how to work it. I�ve never done this before. I can work around in my website folders�get html uploaded and stuff� but that�s much more simple. This control panel is too complicated for my poor blonde head� I�m completely and utterly stuck. I have no idea what I�m doing and this has to get done. Now. And I caaaaaaaan�t. And I�m too proud and silly to ask for help�

before & & after