2004-05-26
[Haunted] Castles In The Air
hearing: Dream Brother - Jeff Buckley
reading: (more like pretending to read) Othello by Shakespear and Vanity Fair by William Makepeace Thackeray
wearing: pjs still...
When one constructs their castles in the air, and begins to pluck out friends and acquaintances to populate their little parallel dimensions, don't you ever wonder what these little "puppets" of yours are populating their castles with? Are they constructing schemes as elaborate as yours? And whom are they plucking out for the dreamy kingdoms they create? Have you been chosen? Do you serve the same capacity in their castle, as they serve in yours? Or are you lower in class? Higher? What does this kingdom look like anyway?
Or do they even bother?
Because really, what is the use of building the ethereal mansions which can never become reality, and will only be quickly and swiftly crushed in the onslaught of the actuality of the future? All such castles are build on sandy ground. The ocean shall come to wash them away. (I do not set this down as true fact, but the light I look at such things through. This is an unthought out opinion.) It does set one up to be prepared for disappointment though...Trains one not to put their hopes in dreams...
Which is what point I slowly fell to, and have been laying in for several years now.
Now that didn't go in the right direction at all. I don't like that. If I am going to launch into dreams, I will pull out that horridly cynical mess with a happy ending I wrote in my pretty composition book a few weeks ago. I'm just not sure that I am ready to post it yet.
I do need a picture of that composition book though. Someone should get me some stickers to plaster across the cover. That'd be cool.
Now that I have totally flown off topic, let me draw it back, and suffice it to say, that perhaps I brought up castles, because I have been building my own. Be wary of how you take that though, I do not believe in them anymore, so I create magnificant machinations of reality, fantasy, dead people, literature figures, imagined characters, and wide spread chaotic messes. It's just easier that way. They are mostly for my own entertainment. I like to watch myself grasp figurative knives, and slit just a few things, and watch the castle come tumbling down on everyone but me. And I always come out tragically. Suicide or such. With everyone crushed beneath the tides I created to wash them away.
It's horribly morbid. I won't let out a one, but they are all grand imaginings, almost entirely impossible, and completely distressing and depressing. Not good. Not good at all.
But I do wonder about normal castles. I peer back through the halls of my memory and reconstruct the ruins of those I once created, so that I may recall how they work, and what one might look like if I constructed a genuine castle in the sky today. And then I spur the questions of all the people who could be placed in it and whether they do, and what they do.
You know, I think it's messes like this that keep me from sleeping at night. Is it any wonder when my mind is so busy? Not just with that, but all the other things...
I really need to run and shower now. I have thoroughly wasted my time with nonsense. I was intending to wait to write until after my shower and breakfast, and then I changed my plans.
Oh yes, I have braces, and have had them for the whole of five years now. If all had gone aright, I could have had them off two years ago, but nothing went right. We moved, and were traveling so often, that my parents could never get me to an orthadontist, and when they could, something always came up that prevented me from being able to keep the appointment. So here I am, with braces still. It's torment. Now that we are settled, we can attempt another visit to the orthodontist to have things taken care of. My parents want them to take my braces off.
But I think that is just wishful thinking. I fear I am doomed to another wretched six months with these things on. And if so, if that turns out the case, I am afraid I would be driven to do something drastic because I do not want to have to endure another six months of this torture. I want them off. I want to be done. Now.