After this entry, I do not want to ever write about school again.
I�m not sure if I can handle this political science class. I was trying to answer a few simple questions, just make a little small talk about it with someone, and I was sobbing. Sitting at the computer, trying to type, and, as irrational as it is of me, bawling my eyes out.
Not because political science is that boring, not because the work is daunting, but because I hate politics that much. I loathe them. With every fiber of my being.
I am used to brushing it off. It frustrates me and makes me angry. It brings out to me every facet, every light of corruption in humanity and society. And how incurable everything is. I can�t handle to look upon the world, so I became completely apathetic, and I would back out of political discussions, and turn a deaf ear and a blind eye, before I could get to these extreme points of frustration and anger.
But now, I can�t. I am taking a course on the subject I hate most in the entire world. Political science. There can be no more indifference. Now, I have to pay attention, interact, and care.
Maybe, just maybe, I could handle this torturous class, if all I had to do, was read, take a few quizzes, and write up a few assignments. But that�s not enough. I have to participate in class discussions. The greatest evil of all. I have to make posts on a discussion board for my politics class, and talk about politics with other people.
There is no one beside me in my class under the age of 28. All of them have children, and several of them have children my age. I have to talk about the greatest evil of all, with people who probably won�t listen to a word I say.
I don�t want to post. I don�t want to debate. I don�t want to talk about politics. I don�t want to write about them. I don�t want to think about them. I have grown so cold and apathetic, that to be thrust into the blackest and most evil of all worlds for my young psyche, is unbearably physically, mentally, and emotionally painful. This is stressing me out to extreme degrees.
And I can�t handle stress at this level any more. It doesn�t take me long for a little stress to be too much, and the nervous breakdown which came so close at the beginning of my high school career but never came, looms close on the horizon. My nerves are shot from that experience. I can�t take this. I don�t know what I�m going to do. I don�t want to concede defeat though. I want to finish this class. With an A.
I think with a lot of prayer, patience, pacing, and backspacing, I can do this. I have to take it slow and steady.
Here I am ready to sob again� oh man�fucking politics�
At least I was able to purchase a copy of the textbook for my excel class, after a long hunt, and it will be here just barely on time. The instructor told me that if worst came to worst, she has another student with this problem, and will push back the due date of the first assignment to accommodate those who were unable to receive their textbooks on time.
An enormous comfort. I told you something like this would happen. I told ME that something like this would happen. All would be well in the excel class. And it is going to be alright.
I just wish I could say the same for myself and my American Government course�